Order My Steps...

It's been way too long since I posted or even attempted to write. I struggle so much with writing and it's really something I enjoy doing. I more than enjoy it. I love it.

I'm afraid the thing I love to do is not something I'm good at doing. You know, most of us have seen the "American Idol" auditions and those people that think they can sing and are oblivious to the fact that they can't carry a tune. It's so heartbreaking to watch. I would be just as devastated to find out that my writing sucks. That I have not an ounce of talent because it is something I truly love doing. So, I ignore it a lot and just don't do it. In this ever turning brain of mine I have this idea that if I don't do it long enough I will lose the desire to do it. Wrong. The idea is just that, an idea and the desire to write is never quenched. So, I guess I write good or bad and let my ever turning brain work things out eventually. :<)

I've changed the way I pray lately. Have you ever done that? Just change something in the way you approach God? Anyway, it's led to some discoveries about myself.

God really cares about me. He cares about my everyday life. I'll beat my head against the wall trying to figure things out or make things happen. Then I come to myself, buckle my knees and just ask for some help. "Order my steps Lord", I pray. Decision making is not something I do well. I do it all the time but it is mental torment for me to decide something and be o.k. with it. I have to know that what I am deciding is the absolute best thing. You can only imagine how many times my decisions are the "best" option. I watched though as the very things I have beat my head about simply work out once I reach outside myself. God hears me.

One of those decisions I've struggled with is my 5 yrs old daughters development. Her vocabulary is at the level of a 3 yr old and she has sensory/motor delays. It was easy for me to call on God when she was in the NICU unit and only had a 50% chance of survival. Those were things that were out of my hands. It's been easy to call on God when she was seizing or having surgery. It's not been so easy though when it has come to things I thought I should be able to control. Development. Isn't that a mom's job? Nothing I did worked. Every hoop I jumped through led me to frustration and waiting. Precious time is wasting, I would think. I was wasting precious time. I needed to make some tough decisions and I needed someone to help me make those decisions. So, again, I came to myself. "Order my steps Lord", I prayed. "Please help me. I'm afraid and I don't know what the best thing to do is." In the next few days I watched as people were put in my path that had information I could use to get us the help we needed. Phone calls came in that I had been waiting months on. Appointments set and therapy scheduled. I stood in awe. It was so easy. God heard me.

I opened my Bible the other day and came across this verse. Psalms 119:33 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. So, my prayer isn't anything new. The psalmist prayed it. I've decided that having my steps "ordered in His Word" is a wonderful thing. It brings peace to my troubled mind and rest to my soul. I pray this is a lesson learned. I'm such a stubborn soul though. Thankfully God is so patient and he will let me review my lesson as many times as it takes me to get it.

Living and Learning,
Marcey