Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I need others....

I am going to attempt to write more than I have been. My life just seems to gain perspective when I'm writing.

Recently I've had many conversations about how I feel like I should be able to go life alone, or maybe not that I should be able to, but that I do not want people to help me. I have a hard time letting people care about me. I feel like I need to pay for people's care. That I need to repay every kindness bestowed upon me.

I do not expect those kinds of things from other people. I freely give my time, care, love, and resources. For some reason my brain just doesn't compute care being recipocal without repayment on my end. I can't grasp it.

Lately, I've had more care come my way than I will ever be able to repay. I mean it has come in buckets full, and there is no possible way that I can repay the kindness I've receieved in this lifetime. It's had me down because I want the ability to repay.

Last night we were in the livingroom and saw a broadcast of TD Jakes. He was preaching/teaching on the 5 demensions of faith. It was incredible, and spoke directly to me. The first comments I heard were about how we struggle and struggle with a situation because we want to fix it ourselves. We won't allow others to do what God moves them to do to help us. We stay proud and we miss God's provision because it's not the way we wanted it to come. I can't begin to give his comments the justice they deserve. Anyway, it pricked my heart.

I am not a let things happen person. I'm a make things happen person. Where my pride comes in is that in mind I think that if I dont' make them happen they won't or can't happen. I'm not sure how I got to that place, but it's not helping me. Somehow I have to learn to step back away from all the disappointment, hurt, and misunderstanding of my past, realize I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to do everything. That's why there are more people in the world besides me. I'm sad at how unforgiving and prideful I have found myself. I need other people. I need people to care about me, instruct me, love me, lead me. And I have to accept that the only payment I can make to them in return for what they do for me is to "pay it forward". I give what I have to give, care for those that I can care for, etc.

Man, if only I can get this stuff to sink into this thick head of mine.

Marcey

Monday, May 19, 2008

Still a living and learning...

It's been forever since I blogged. My life is just so much less stressful when I'm writing. What's been happening in my life? Well, let's see....ALOT.



I finished my first year of college. It was very interesting, challenging, and alot of fun. My GPA is a 4.0 to this point. I enjoyed my hand at tutoring in Math (not my favorite subject). The ladies were awesome "students" though, and I had a blast doing it! By the finals I had my own little classroom to do my "teaching" in. It was awesome! I ended this semester with a 5k walk. It was incredible. So, my first year was a success, I believe. I'm taking the summer off to entertain Hannah and take a trip with David to Switzerland.



Yeah, you read right. I'm heading to Switzerland with David in July. I can hardly believe it. I'm a nervous wreck because I will be leaving Hannah and going across the world for an entire week. I'll never forgive myself if something happens to her while I'm away. I tried to find every excuse not to go, but it didn't work out. Every obstacle I put in place was overcome one way or the other. So, here I sit resigned to the fact that I am going to Switzerland. A dream trip for most people. Even for me. There is just so much uncertainty in my life, that I'm not sure I'll enjoy it. I will try.

Hannah will finish her first full year of school. She was diagnosed with autism and she's learning more and more everyday. Kyle will be finishing his sophmore year and next year will be in the AVID program which means he'll be at the college for most of his courses. He'll get both college and high school credit for them. It will be very possible for him to graduate high school with an associates degree. Oh, and of course he'll be driving soon too. Zach just got back from a trip to DC, NYC, etc. He will graduate from 8th grade this year. So, next year he'll begin his high school adventures. So hard to believe. The kids are all doing really well, and I'm proud of them all. Oh, they're mouthy teenagers, but so was I so you reap what you sow right?

David is still the IT manager at Harwood. He just bought a brand new car. It's a baby blue Kia Spectra. At least I think it's a spectra.

We're looking at houses to buy. Maybe even relocating closer to the Dallas area. Of course the guys aren't liking that idea too much, but gas is killing us financially. I've spoke with the Red Oak school district and they have a pretty impressive special needs program. Hillsboro has been great, but it's a poor district with little money to do anything for it's special needs program. Anyway, it's something we're looking into. We'll have to have a bigger house when we get the dog because Hannah will need a full size bed so the dog can sleep with her, and we'll have to have a fenced in yard too.

So, that's a little of what's going on. I'm still a living and a learning....

Marcey