God Bless....

It's been so long since I posted to this blog. I'm so caught up in the life of my children and husband that I really do not have anything to blog about "me" wise. I am still living and I'm still learning. I think I learn something new several times a day. LOL! I miss group participation I think more than anything. I can't even tell you the value there is in a group of people from all walks of life coming together and sharing in a common experience. It's inspiring and life changing. At least it was for me. They really made me get off my rear and do some things I never thought I would.

Life's been taxing the last year. Billie's health was so declining and watching her everyday waste away was killing me. I tried everything and finally gave in to something I said I'd never do. We put her in rehab. My hope was that she'd come home but she didn't. I'm heart broken everyday over it. she gave up on life when she broke her hip. She made up her mind she was useless and would not recover and she didn't. Part of me knows that her going to Denison and having the opportunity to see friends and family she had not seen in YEARS was a good thing, but there is still this part of me that thinks had she been here with me she would still be alive. Miserable, but alive. She always did for others and it was impossible for her to let people do for her. Her worth was tied to what she could do for others and when that was taken away from her she just couldn't take it. She didn't see that every time she talked to me and listened, everytime she held Hannah and sang songs with her, everytime she made the boys or David laugh she was doing something. All of us do that. We overlook anything we feel is insignificant. It's a shame and I'm learning everyday it's a HUGE shame to pass by the little things looking for the big.

Hannah has had an incredible year. And incredibly good and an incredibly bad. Her seizues are more severe when they happen. We've nearly lost her 4 times. she's been a trooper and makes each day just what it is. I really need to study her more and she needs to pass on some of her ability to look at life moment by moment to me. She's in for a couple more months of testing and then a revamping of her meds to try and get a handle on things better. She had an awesome school year. She learned and participated in every activity thrown her way. She also got Koolio this year and that has been an endeavor. She loves her doggie and it's so cool to watch their bond form and take hold. It'll be interesting to see what the rest of the year holds for her.

The boys are teens now. Kyle will graduate next year. He's a toot and is feeling the pressure of adulthood on his heels. I think he'll do fine once he realizes it's gonna happen no matter what and wraps his head around it. He wants to be 10 again. He has a girlfriend and she's a sweetheart. I'm trying not to like her too much because you know how the teen dating thing is. Here today and gone tomorrow. LOL! Zachary is just Zachary. He doens't give me a bit of trouble. He's stable, lovable and lazy. LOL!

David is amazing. I am madly in love with this man. We had years and years of not understanding and really just not liking each other much. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. He's an incredible father. I don't know what I'd do without him. He works tirelessly for us too. I don't appreciate him enough.

I'm really at a crossroads in my life I think. My faith in God is deepening. I feel God calling me to an intimacy that I never experienced before. He wants me to see him as a Father. It's quite a discovery for me. I've always followed the rules but I feel God asking me do I love the rules or do I love Him. It's going to be interesting, I think. I'm excited.

That's all I've got today. God bless!