tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-147430082024-03-18T20:06:08.451-07:00Live and LearnMy journey as I learn to live...Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-46485759451937887242010-03-23T06:52:00.000-07:002010-03-23T07:39:39.698-07:00PPCD and stuff.It's been an eventful few days. On Friday the boys, Kyle's girlfriend, and I made a trip to Denison. After lunch with friends in Plano we stopped by the cemetary to put Easter flowers and a bunny on Hannah and Billie's graves. We then went on to Denison where we got a copy of Zach's birth certificate, saw some family, looked at a car and then met all my family for dinner before heading home again. I was worn smack out and tired of my van by the time we made it home again.<br /><br />Yesterday was my first day volunteering in the PPCD at Franklin. Nothing has felt "right" since Hannah passed away. Going there yesterday felt "right". I loved being with the kids and the added benefit was that I felt what I was doing honored Hannah's life. I'm definately looking forward to doing it more.<br /><br />When I got home yesterday there was a box by my front door. It said "fragile" and I wasn't expecting anything so I was intrigued. The day Hannah passed away a nurse from NICU came and did a handprint. It wasn't an easy thing to do and since we didn't get it I thought it didn't work out. In that box however was the handprint. It's really quite amazing. I'm going to post a picture of it when I can get it done. <br /><br />Then I got the mail and inside it was an invitation to a "we remember" ceremony at Cook's on April 25th. That is also the weekend David and I are planning on celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary. We'll celebrate our marriage and the life of our girl all together. It seems right. <br /><br />Today I plan on doing some much needed cleaning around the house. Koolio is at the groomers. I have nothing planned for today. It's time to get busy and bring some order back to this house. Keep your fingers crossed for me. It's a BIG job! Love to all of you and thanks for your support and prayers!Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-32253164728858454362010-03-20T08:39:00.000-07:002010-03-20T10:51:38.781-07:00Native American Sweat lodgeWhew! This week is about over and I have to say that I'm pretty durn glad. Emotionally I took a huge hit. This is not the way life was supposed to go. Honestly, if I had to rate the last two months I'd have to say that this week was pretty much the worst so far. <br /><br />I'm a fighter and I'm strong. I think most anyone that knows me would use those words to describe me. When faced with difficult things initially I may whine or fuss, but usually in pretty short order I move into action. I enjoy challenges. I love to win. It's impossible to approach Hannah's death the way I always have every other difficult thing that comes my way. I'm having to learn a new way. That way is not easy. It goes totally against the core of how I have approached life, yet it's the most freeing when I am able to embrace it.<br /><br />A friend sent me a book right after Hannah passed away. It's called, <em>"Waking up to this day by Paula D'arcy"</em>. It's a really great book and I'm amazed at how it speaks to where I'm at. I'm going to share a quote from it. It's rather lengthy but so worth sharing with everyone.<br /><br /><em>The Native American sweat lodge provides another way of thinking about moving the way life is moving. The lodge is one of the most recognized of all Native American ceremonies and is a traditional way of facilitating healing and purifying body, mind, and spirit. The lodge itself is a domed hut built from willow saplings or some other supple wood. Stones are heated in an exterior fire and then brought into the covered lodge and placed in a central pit that's been dug into the ground. When water is poured on the stones it creates a dense steam.<br /><br />During my first lodge I was fearful of the reported heat that rises up from those stones. I knew that some persons have to leave the lodge because the intensity of heat is so great. Yet when we received our final instructions from the lodge keeper his advice to us was, "Don't resist the heat." He told us that resistance would cause our experience of the heat to worsen. Instead, he encouraged us to let go of our resistance and befriend the heat. "Welcome the heat by acknowledging it's presence," he said, "and your experience will transform."<br /><br />At the time, his words were a marked departure from the way I'd always thought about things. "Don't resist," he advised. "Acknowledge what is." I'd always believed that by resisting the things I wanted to change, I would exert the greatest power. Now I was learning otherwise. Only by first acknowledging and accepting what is-including the things I cannot change, or do not want or expect to happen- do I posses the true strength to meet life. Life calls us to meet it as it is. In acknowledging what is, respect for life is implicit. When acceptance precedes doing, then the steps we take have a distinct clarity and power.<br /><br />The same dynamic applies to acceptance of ourselves. Zen teacher Joko Beck reflects, "In times of confusion and depression the worst thing we can do is try to be some other way. [When] we experience ourselves as we are, not the way we think we should be...a gate opens."</em><br /><br />So, what I'm learning is to be in the moment. It's the only thing that works well. Acceptance has always felt like giving up to me. The more I bring myself back to it though the more I realize it's the only thing I do that works. My hope is that since it works so well, I'll come back to it enough that it'll become familiar territory. That would enable me to go back to things that don't work less and less. That's my hope anyway.<br /><br />I think I've rambled on enough today. Many have asked how they can help. Most have said they don't know what to say or do for me. I think if you want to help me you can remind me often "in the moment, next step, next breath Marcey". That will help me more than you know! Thanks for the support, prayers and care!<br /><br />God Bless!Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-26152874637087337812010-03-14T07:49:00.001-07:002010-03-14T11:07:43.125-07:00It's Sunday morning. I'm trying to decide whether I can manage church or not. I want to be able to but sometimes I just can't. The evidence of my loss is felt deeply as I get up and get myself dressed and ready. Hannah loved church. She loved getting dressed and putting on her pretty dress shoes. I still haven't washed her last Sunday morning dress yet. Her tights, slip, dress and shoes are still just where I left them when I took them off her. She loved the music and she enjoyed Bro. Strawn preaching. She'd look at me all through the service and say, "amen, that's right or halelujah". I remember the last service we were in I was so aggrevated at her because she was 8 years old and wanted to stand in the pew in front of us so she could see. I told David she'd be standing in that pew until she was 25 somewhat disgustedly. Man, I wish she were here now. I wouldn't care if she wanted to stand in the pew so she could see. I'd gladly stand with my arms protectedly wrapped around her while she sang and worshipped and watched those around her do the same. I miss that girl! <br /><br />Yesterday was a really great day. I had a wonderful time with my guys. We laughed so hard that I am sore today. Kyle had his SAT test in Burleson yesterday. After we picked him up we had lunch together and had plenty of time to kill before we went to the Mav's game so we stopped in Best Buy and bought some things. After that we went to the Dallas Holocast museum. We all seem to love history and especially Jewish history so it was a nice family thing to do. It's a neat place and you'll leave there feeling both sad and inspired. Sad for what happened and inspired by the spirit of the people despite their circumstances. After that we went to a Mav's game and they lost. I still loved the game. I just like basketball. <br /><br />Even though I had such fun and was really enjoying my time I had moments of great sadness. I kept thinking, "God, I'm having a good time, but I'd gladly give it up for some time with my girl". It's hard to feel happy. There's a guilt that comes with a good time now. It's difficult to explain. It's not that I don't think I deserve a good time, it's just that I keep thinking that she should be here. Hannah should be here. But she's not. She'll never be here again. I just have to keep breathing and if there is laughter present I have to let myself laugh. She loved to laugh and I think she had to be smiling down at her silly daddy and brothers last night. It's just hard.<br /><br />I got a letter from her metabolic geneticist yesterday. All the genetic tests they did while she was in the hospital came back normal. I cried but tried not to let it ruin the day. That means that they did not find anything wrong. That also means that her epileptologist would have given her the diagnosis of Dravet syndrome. I can't help but feel a little angry. That diagnosis was way too long in coming. It might not have changed the outcome of what happened but it would have opened up a support system that I so could have used had we had it. I do have regrets. I wish I had just let my van go back or moved in with relatives or sold everything I owned and flew her to Chicago to the specialist. I shouldn't have let my guard down. She had done better before only to blindside me with a bad episode. I just wanted to give her a break from it all. I wanted her to have a few months with no poking, hosptitals, and mats in her hair from the EEG's. She was having so much fun and enjoying everything so much. I just wanted her to have a break so bad. It's hard when I look back. If I could change the outcome, yeah, I would have gone ahead with all the poking, proding, EEG's, and hospitalizations. However, if it wouldn't have changed the outcome I wouldn't take the last few months we had with her for anything. They were so precious and wonderful. We were able to enjoy her life so fully and that wouldn't have been possible in the hospital doing tests. So, I have to believe that it was Hannah's time and hold dear those last months I had with the most precious human being I'll ever know. I have to forgive myself for whatever "neglect" it is I think I may have committed. I have to let go of what was not in my control in the first place. My heart is so very thankful for Hannah and the years I had with her. I say that in sincerity. Although I am sad I am so very thankful for the time I had with my girl. <br /><br />Sorry. I did not know when I began this blogging post that it was going to be so emotional. I thought I was just going to type about my day yesterday. Thanks for your prayers and support and please continue them. I need them.Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-68505513527553453402010-03-07T21:53:00.000-08:002010-03-08T09:28:21.593-08:00Catching upThis blog was started in 2005 and I think posted on it a few times a year. I thought I'd use it for more of the day to day happenings. <br /><br />I'm not sure where to start so I think I'll just give basic updates on everyone.<br /><br />David is still at Harwood. His company has a plan to relocate but the date keeps getting pushed forward. We're hoping it happens soon as we're ready for it to be over. He had a physical after Hannah's passing and there was some "iffy" stuff discovered gastointestinally so he's having a procedure to see if everything is o.k. We're hopeful that it is.<br /><br />Kyle is one busy young man. He just had a practice LD debate tournament over the weekend and has UIL district LD debate competition in a couple weeks. He also takes his SAT this Saturday. He's the secretary for NHS and the president of the chess club. It's the last few months before graduation so activities are constant. I'm sure he'd appreciate any prayers you send up on his behalf. He graduates May 28th. Two days before what would have been Hannah's 9th birthday. <br /><br />Zachary is Zachary. He's our family comedian and keeps us laughing constantly. He'll finish his sophmore year. He is in band and plays the trumpet like his dad.<br /><br />Koolio misses his girl and the activities of his day that came with caring for her. I've been taking him for walks and playing with him outside. Most days we go for two walks and play ball in the backyard a couple of times. Still he misses getting out and about as much as he used to. I'm going to look into taking him to the nursing home some. He is having some trouble with flea bites. We treat him every month but this will make the third time he's gotten bit despite them and had a reaction. :( I'm thankful we have him and know in time he'll adjust to being without his girl. For now we just love on each other and miss her together. <br /><br />How am I? I'm breathing. I'm not hopeless but I'm incredibly sad. I miss my girl. I hate the phrase move on btw. I don't think I can ever move on but I am trying to do things with my time that will benefit me in the long run. I started attending a group last week called, "walking in this world". It's another series by Julia Cameron. Two of the women in the group were in my "Artist way" groups. I try to stay pretty busy. At first it was fairly easy because everyone wanted to go eat lunch or meet me for dinner. Then their were the weekend visits, calls, texts and cards. That's all died out so it's a little more difficult to fill the hours but I'm doing it. I'm not complaining. The outpouring of support was/is incredible. It's true though that weeks afterward when everyone has gone back to their lives is when it's the hardest. I'm blessed however, God helps me and always provides just what I need when I need it.<br /><br />Amazingly the treatments I took for CFS(chronic fatigue syndrome)have really helped. Physically I feel better than I have in years. I'm so thankful.<br /><br />I should go to bed. It's late. Thanks so much for all the prayer and support! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I would not be able to make it without it. Love y'all!Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-37141046919836433112009-06-04T08:42:00.001-07:002009-06-04T09:12:14.902-07:00God Bless....It's been so long since I posted to this blog. I'm so caught up in the life of my children and husband that I really do not have anything to blog about "me" wise. I am still living and I'm still learning. I think I learn something new several times a day. LOL! I miss group participation I think more than anything. I can't even tell you the value there is in a group of people from all walks of life coming together and sharing in a common experience. It's inspiring and life changing. At least it was for me. They really made me get off my rear and do some things I never thought I would.<br /><br />Life's been taxing the last year. Billie's health was so declining and watching her everyday waste away was killing me. I tried everything and finally gave in to something I said I'd never do. We put her in rehab. My hope was that she'd come home but she didn't. I'm heart broken everyday over it. she gave up on life when she broke her hip. She made up her mind she was useless and would not recover and she didn't. Part of me knows that her going to Denison and having the opportunity to see friends and family she had not seen in YEARS was a good thing, but there is still this part of me that thinks had she been here with me she would still be alive. Miserable, but alive. She always did for others and it was impossible for her to let people do for her. Her worth was tied to what she could do for others and when that was taken away from her she just couldn't take it. She didn't see that every time she talked to me and listened, everytime she held Hannah and sang songs with her, everytime she made the boys or David laugh she was doing something. All of us do that. We overlook anything we feel is insignificant. It's a shame and I'm learning everyday it's a HUGE shame to pass by the little things looking for the big.<br /><br />Hannah has had an incredible year. And incredibly good and an incredibly bad. Her seizues are more severe when they happen. We've nearly lost her 4 times. she's been a trooper and makes each day just what it is. I really need to study her more and she needs to pass on some of her ability to look at life moment by moment to me. She's in for a couple more months of testing and then a revamping of her meds to try and get a handle on things better. She had an awesome school year. She learned and participated in every activity thrown her way. She also got Koolio this year and that has been an endeavor. She loves her doggie and it's so cool to watch their bond form and take hold. It'll be interesting to see what the rest of the year holds for her.<br /><br />The boys are teens now. Kyle will graduate next year. He's a toot and is feeling the pressure of adulthood on his heels. I think he'll do fine once he realizes it's gonna happen no matter what and wraps his head around it. He wants to be 10 again. He has a girlfriend and she's a sweetheart. I'm trying not to like her too much because you know how the teen dating thing is. Here today and gone tomorrow. LOL! Zachary is just Zachary. He doens't give me a bit of trouble. He's stable, lovable and lazy. LOL!<br /><br />David is amazing. I am madly in love with this man. We had years and years of not understanding and really just not liking each other much. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. He's an incredible father. I don't know what I'd do without him. He works tirelessly for us too. I don't appreciate him enough.<br /><br />I'm really at a crossroads in my life I think. My faith in God is deepening. I feel God calling me to an intimacy that I never experienced before. He wants me to see him as a Father. It's quite a discovery for me. I've always followed the rules but I feel God asking me do I love the rules or do I love Him. It's going to be interesting, I think. I'm excited.<br /><br />That's all I've got today. God bless!Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-48809371021510621102009-02-09T14:47:00.000-08:002009-02-09T15:03:39.206-08:00I'm still aliveI haven't had much time for "me" lately. Actually, it's been a long time. Hannah requires so much care and attention that I'm just kind of meshed into her. I'm not sure there even is a me anymore. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I have NO ENERGY. I'm really struggling. It's always been a struggle but it seems since July things have just went into full nutso mode. Hannah had three status epileptus episodes that landed us in Cook Children's hospital. David's mom just kept going down hill and seemed content to sit in her chair and die. It has been emotionally taxing not to mention physically taxing. <br /><br />Hannah has ALWAYS been a pleasant child. Ever since they put her on Keppra to control her seizures she's been a big blog of whine. She cries, melts down, doesn't cooperate, and is really starting to be a hand full. She has an appointment to see the epilepsy specialist in April. I'm so hoping he can help us. Keppra is known to cause behavior problems but it has done an excellent job at controlling her seizures. What do we do? Deal with and live with the behavior or risk another drug not controlling her seizures. I would give anything for one week of easy decisions or no decisions at all. <br /><br />I'm really struggling in the weight department too. I just blew up after I had Hannah and have never managed to make any significant progress towards taking it off. I did last year early in the year but it was a time when I felt hopeful and since I have lost alot of that hopefulness I'm right back where I started weight wise. It's disgusting and embarassing. I want to do something about it, but I don't have the energy to even think half the time so how in the world would I ever come up with a plan and stick to it? I wish I just had someone that told me to eat this at this time and to do this at this time. I think the only way to go with people like me is personal trainer. Who can afford that? <br /><br />There is so much that Hannah needs. Things that would make life easier for her. We are looking at the next 8 years of college tuition. Kyle and then Zachary. It's so overwhleming to even think about.<br /><br />Last night at church a man came up to me and said, "you know the way "she"(Hannah) is, she'll go on into heaven and the only way you'll ever see her again is to make it there too." I guess I'm some awful sinner. If people knew how much I pray and how often I try to seek God's mind in all this stuff they'd stop all this ignorance about my salvation. I could have easily smacked the man, but what would that help. Nothing.<br /><br />All in all, I am thankful for things. I really am. I'm thankful I still have Hannah. I'm thankful for my boys and David. I'm tired of all the trials but I'm not blaming God for any of it. I just thank him for the things I do have. <br /><br />At any rate, I guess this was just a whine fest. I am so tired I don't even know where to end all this. I could go on for days if I let myself. I doubt anyone even looks at this blog anymore. LOL! That's o.k. It makes it a safe place. I'm still alive and kicking!Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-2185842392491964692008-05-27T09:02:00.000-07:002008-05-27T09:26:17.224-07:00I need others....I am going to attempt to write more than I have been. My life just seems to gain perspective when I'm writing.<br /><br />Recently I've had many conversations about how I feel like I should be able to go life alone, or maybe not that I should be able to, but that I do not want people to help me. I have a hard time letting people care about me. I feel like I need to pay for people's care. That I need to repay every kindness bestowed upon me. <br /><br />I do not expect those kinds of things from other people. I freely give my time, care, love, and resources. For some reason my brain just doesn't compute care being recipocal without repayment on my end. I can't grasp it. <br /><br />Lately, I've had more care come my way than I will ever be able to repay. I mean it has come in buckets full, and there is no possible way that I can repay the kindness I've receieved in this lifetime. It's had me down because I want the ability to repay.<br /><br />Last night we were in the livingroom and saw a broadcast of TD Jakes. He was preaching/teaching on the 5 demensions of faith. It was incredible, and spoke directly to me. The first comments I heard were about how we struggle and struggle with a situation because we want to fix it ourselves. We won't allow others to do what God moves them to do to help us. We stay proud and we miss God's provision because it's not the way we wanted it to come. I can't begin to give his comments the justice they deserve. Anyway, it pricked my heart. <br /><br />I am not a let things happen person. I'm a make things happen person. Where my pride comes in is that in mind I think that if I dont' make them happen they won't or can't happen. I'm not sure how I got to that place, but it's not helping me. Somehow I have to learn to step back away from all the disappointment, hurt, and misunderstanding of my past, realize I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to do everything. That's why there are more people in the world besides me. I'm sad at how unforgiving and prideful I have found myself. I need other people. I need people to care about me, instruct me, love me, lead me. And I have to accept that the only payment I can make to them in return for what they do for me is to "pay it forward". I give what I have to give, care for those that I can care for, etc. <br /><br />Man, if only I can get this stuff to sink into this thick head of mine.<br /><br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-22193036412711964912008-05-19T06:34:00.000-07:002008-05-22T15:07:08.151-07:00Still a living and learning...It's been forever since I blogged. My life is just so much less stressful when I'm writing. What's been happening in my life? Well, let's see....ALOT.<br /><br /><br /><br />I finished my first year of college. It was very interesting, challenging, and alot of fun. My GPA is a 4.0 to this point. I enjoyed my hand at tutoring in Math (not my favorite subject). The ladies were awesome "students" though, and I had a blast doing it! By the finals I had my own little classroom to do my "teaching" in. It was awesome! I ended this semester with a 5k walk. It was incredible. So, my first year was a success, I believe. I'm taking the summer off to entertain Hannah and take a trip with David to Switzerland.<br /><br /><br /><br />Yeah, you read right. I'm heading to Switzerland with David in July. I can hardly believe it. I'm a nervous wreck because I will be leaving Hannah and going across the world for an entire week. I'll never forgive myself if something happens to her while I'm away. I tried to find every excuse not to go, but it didn't work out. Every obstacle I put in place was overcome one way or the other. So, here I sit resigned to the fact that I am going to Switzerland. A dream trip for most people. Even for me. There is just so much uncertainty in my life, that I'm not sure I'll enjoy it. I will try.<br /><br />Hannah will finish her first full year of school. She was diagnosed with autism and she's learning more and more everyday. Kyle will be finishing his sophmore year and next year will be in the AVID program which means he'll be at the college for most of his courses. He'll get both college and high school credit for them. It will be very possible for him to graduate high school with an associates degree. Oh, and of course he'll be driving soon too. Zach just got back from a trip to DC, NYC, etc. He will graduate from 8th grade this year. So, next year he'll begin his high school adventures. So hard to believe. The kids are all doing really well, and I'm proud of them all. Oh, they're mouthy teenagers, but so was I so you reap what you sow right?<br /><br />David is still the IT manager at Harwood. He just bought a brand new car. It's a baby blue Kia Spectra. At least I think it's a spectra. <br /><br />We're looking at houses to buy. Maybe even relocating closer to the Dallas area. Of course the guys aren't liking that idea too much, but gas is killing us financially. I've spoke with the Red Oak school district and they have a pretty impressive special needs program. Hillsboro has been great, but it's a poor district with little money to do anything for it's special needs program. Anyway, it's something we're looking into. We'll have to have a bigger house when we get the dog because Hannah will need a full size bed so the dog can sleep with her, and we'll have to have a fenced in yard too. <br /><br />So, that's a little of what's going on. I'm still a living and a learning....<br /><br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-25990724708753815242007-11-17T17:15:00.000-08:002007-11-17T19:11:03.241-08:00Facing My Giants...Today I watched the movie, "Facing the Giants". It was a really good movie. I know that many people viewed it and felt inspired and encouraged. Unfortunately I'm in a place spiritually and emotionally where that is not what I left the movie with. I am discouraged.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong. I was happy for the coach, his wife, the team and all the other folks in the movie that saw God work in their lives. My problem with the whole thing is that what about the masses of people out here who do all the right things and don't get the results that those people had. How do you think they felt after watching the movie? <br /><br />I struggle. I know God is good. I do. I just don't know what I think or believe anymore concerning his ability or choice to do good. I'm in a place where it really looks like God gets to choose who he shows favor to. He gets to do what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. I do realize that I as a human have to accept that, and I guess I'll never understand. I've been told I'm not supposed to understand. I have to just accept that God is God and that he is good regardless of what is going on in my life. I've done that. There has to be something I'm not getting though. I mean, I don't expect God to change my circumstances. I understand that whatever is going on is his will. At least I think I understand. That doesn't mean I like it. But I do accept it. I just wish I could get the peace and grace that comes with that acceptance. How do I do that? <br /><br />Part of me says to get over myself, "Quit acting like a spoiled brat Marcey". The other part of me is saying, "hello! I've had my share. Can you cut me a slack?" I don't know how people do it. I can't control myself. I used to could, but lately I feel like I want to just throw a hissy fit. Ugggh! This is just not me. I'm not myself. <br /><br />This has to be a season. I'm really hoping and praying for a break in the new year. I'd do anything to get that.<br /><br />Enough of my rambling tonight.....Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-57304724730418435412007-11-06T06:28:00.000-08:002007-11-06T07:18:28.038-08:00Happy Birthday To Me....Yeah, it's my birthday. My 37th one. Just 3 more years and I'll hit the big 40. LOL!<br /><br />My life certainly doesn't look the way I had imagined. In some ways it's been disappointing, but in other ways it's far better than I had hoped. It's been a hard road. Seemingly a constant hard road, but just the other day David and I were watching videos of the boys when they were little, and although that time in our life was engulfed in conflict, there were some beautiful times that I wouldn't trade for the world. Yesterday Hannah woke me up singing "wake up little blue bird". I'll hold the sound of her little voice in my memory forever, I hope. The boys are fastly approaching manhood. It's neat and scary to watch. I do worry what kind of men they will be. David and I are getting along better than ever. We still get on each others nerves but some of the very things that used to drive me nuts about him, so endear him to me now. For instance, his corny sense of humor, oh how I'd cringe when he'd try to be funny. I never got the jokes. Now, it's adorable and I laugh whether I get them or not. It's interesting how life changes. Life is really like a book with many chapters. <br /><br />I think more than anything, things that used to be so important just aren't that important in the scope of things. Things I convinced myself I couldn't do, I now see that I'm the only one stopping me. <br /><br />I'm really looking forward to the future. I know that without a doubt I'll have some pretty yucky days, weeks, or months come along. Bad days are always around the corner. What better reason can I possibly have to live the good days, weeks, and months to the fullest though. I'm ready to participate in life instead of standing around watching it happen.<br /><br />So, Happy Birthday to Me......Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-82796312987508031012007-10-29T08:47:00.000-07:002007-10-29T08:58:10.421-07:00Some Pictures...<div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGZekWqCc64BlFyZzsGv_daAxpG71S03PrnbXJE4XWINzlvsIkBIQPgDeIijBdhTRVNPg_3ilufGVJNoaGFhGppLyQ7lCFvwImfEfflRpJ5gF8qQ6PwJCBTfyQJs7HD_9B4haE/s1600-h/IMG_0071.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5126787725510426226" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGZekWqCc64BlFyZzsGv_daAxpG71S03PrnbXJE4XWINzlvsIkBIQPgDeIijBdhTRVNPg_3ilufGVJNoaGFhGppLyQ7lCFvwImfEfflRpJ5gF8qQ6PwJCBTfyQJs7HD_9B4haE/s320/IMG_0071.jpg" border="0" /></a> Hannah having her EEG<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Sm-nkSYebqFQoE9vMldY21ljZ7Ens86J0R_kf30XL6tqvCE1t82yXJXgIAUzXDMW4YpQtqXrVnlY-n6iHL0RwyXVXKYYgjquSTnHdwGXmZDPm6LUk6k-Kly46_X92dHq-Bkw/s1600-h/IMG_0079.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5126787738395328130" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Sm-nkSYebqFQoE9vMldY21ljZ7Ens86J0R_kf30XL6tqvCE1t82yXJXgIAUzXDMW4YpQtqXrVnlY-n6iHL0RwyXVXKYYgjquSTnHdwGXmZDPm6LUk6k-Kly46_X92dHq-Bkw/s320/IMG_0079.jpg" border="0" /></a>Hannah Playing around with a bowl. She is fascinated with looking through things.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNlqxDX3za2PPiAuNUUfqqN9hrIfnSSvRFhev6UytsYlryoZ3n7DEdBN-DdZWV9KotAInd_abtZqbEZ_1SgeZ-QlrkZZFF8w5BhINfJ_AAWjHw5mx0E_o9Dk5hcU_s4K2qemyN/s1600-h/IMG_0142.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5126787759870164626" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNlqxDX3za2PPiAuNUUfqqN9hrIfnSSvRFhev6UytsYlryoZ3n7DEdBN-DdZWV9KotAInd_abtZqbEZ_1SgeZ-QlrkZZFF8w5BhINfJ_AAWjHw5mx0E_o9Dk5hcU_s4K2qemyN/s320/IMG_0142.jpg" border="0" /></a> Kyle, David, and Hannah Easter 2007<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioLfLZsqdHRUqhh6_Ixillv5cgahT1hi6AyLzTlivmbYT8Iv_nJgIzobB1ZbHOFM9EIKachWMPezV6IMIpiFmhJAw_hVn_2-zrJot5g7KiTXDzs4K9zl3WRdvNao0gSBUAsJVX/s1600-h/IMG_0106.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5126787772755066530" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioLfLZsqdHRUqhh6_Ixillv5cgahT1hi6AyLzTlivmbYT8Iv_nJgIzobB1ZbHOFM9EIKachWMPezV6IMIpiFmhJAw_hVn_2-zrJot5g7KiTXDzs4K9zl3WRdvNao0gSBUAsJVX/s320/IMG_0106.jpg" border="0" /></a> Hannah being silly and playing in my laundry basket<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvWbjsc-7oA5fMkTEAOwTkYyvfN8_ukyMLTbcJZkmuWcr_8Jx9iv7M8JA7tPWEYZrx-ZzSl8QInfLg4sZUXeUcscdUrZDojiYwOiULuniU9T9HvkS0D2M5P_khqNCRZcKlTYYj/s1600-h/IMG_0058_3.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5126787789934935730" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvWbjsc-7oA5fMkTEAOwTkYyvfN8_ukyMLTbcJZkmuWcr_8Jx9iv7M8JA7tPWEYZrx-ZzSl8QInfLg4sZUXeUcscdUrZDojiYwOiULuniU9T9HvkS0D2M5P_khqNCRZcKlTYYj/s320/IMG_0058_3.JPG" border="0" /></a>This is Kyle the Chatman Chapman</div><div align="center"><br />Zach never lets me take his picture. The TURKEY! I'll try to get one of him soon.<br /></div>Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-20560966102454203502007-10-27T10:19:00.000-07:002007-10-27T11:25:16.475-07:00I'll Be Up Again...Life keeps happening. That's a good thing, right?<br /><br />I'll be through with my first semester of college in a little over a month. It's the new love of my life. Seriously, I am addicted to the feeling I get sitting in a classroom. Definitely something I hope to get to continue doing. Who knows, I may end up with a doctorate one day. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">LOL</span>!<br /><br />I've been challenged to change my thinking. My stinky thinking, that is. These are my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ponderings</span>. Can you change your thoughts with just a decision to believe differently? Aren't changes made after a decision that a change is needed? So, why wouldn't changing the way you think start with a decision to do so? I think I make things harder than they really are sometimes. I say I want out of the pit, but when all I have to do is make a simple decision, I find every reason, make every excuse, why that can't happen. It's all about comfort, don't you think? We live in the pit so long that we make it home. We decorate it, add our possessions, maybe even make some memories there. It becomes tolerable, even comfortable. The whole time we're there we're complaining about it, but by our actions we're accepting, even embracing it. It becomes comfortable, and the outside becomes a really scary place. We say we want out, and we expect other people to pull us out. We want them to share their methods, put forth great effort to help us. You know, there are no methods or efforts that will work if <strong><span style="color:#000000;">we </span></strong>don't <strong><span style="color:#000000;">decide</span></strong> to get out. It's ultimately up to us.<br /><br />I've had my share of obstacles in this life, and believe me, I can almost guarantee there are more around the corner, and the next corner, and the next....You get my point. Obstacles are not going to change, and you can't stop life from happening. So, what do I do? I think what I need to realize is that, <strong><span style="color:#000000;">I'll be up again</span></strong>. The pits only temporary. Everyday is not a bad day. There are plenty of good days in between. So, when there is a bad day, I need to think/say..."<strong><span style="color:#000000;">I'll be up again"</span></strong> And instead of staying in the pit long enough to make it comfortable, I need to <span style="color:#000000;"><strong>get off my butt and get out</strong>.<br /><br /></span><span style="color:#000000;"><strong>An old song..."I'll be Up again"</strong><br /><br />I'll be up again<br />Just you wait and see<br />Bad times won't keep me down<br />They'll just send me to my knees<br />And there while I'm in prayer<br />I will sing the victory song<br />And I'll be up again<br />Where I belong<br /><br />Rejoice not against me<br />OH my enemies<br />When I Fall<br />I shall Arise<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Rejoice</span> not <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">against</span> me<br />Oh my enemies<br />When I'm in the night<br />The Lord will be My Light<br /></span><span style="color:#3333ff;"></span><br />This probably makes no sense to anyone but myself, but hey, that's o.k. It did what it was supposed to. I have a little more clarity in my thoughts today.<br /><br />Living and learning<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Marcey</span>Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-65688830067811651952007-08-24T07:25:00.000-07:002007-08-24T07:42:33.979-07:00So, I'm going to do it...Well, on Monday I will attend my first classes at our community college. I NEVER thought I could or would do this and I'm still not sure I can. LOL! It has always been something I wanted to do.<br /><br />A few months ago I took a Life/Career class and it was really very helpful. I've got my husband scheduled to take it starting in October. I am excited for him because I know it will be so helpful. <br /><br />Anyway, I am going to college and basically entered as a psych major. My goal when I am done is to be able to teach parents about the different disorders their child has once they've been diagnosed and then lead those parents to the resources that will help them and their children. As well as I would like to work with women who have been in past or present abusive situations. So, basically I want to teach, I guess but not in school. I want to teach individuals or small groups. Are you shocked? <br /><br />So, the kids and I all start school on Monday. Hannah is so ready to go back. She also starts back at Baylor on Monday. The first 3 1/2 weeks will be maddening because I have to take orientation but after that things will be less hectic. <br /><br />Life is ever changing. Thankfully. Even if you don't like change there's no way you could possibly want you life to stay the same forever. I'd be so totally bored.<br /><br />For Now....<br /><br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-57626175963939651182007-07-22T13:56:00.000-07:002007-07-22T14:12:27.362-07:00So I'm being more reasonable....Today I went to Sunday School. It's been weeks since I've been able to go. Our pastor spoke on how God may not remove a problem from our lives but he will make a way for us to live above it. It made sense to me. I've had <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">a lot</span> of problems in my life that have NEVER went away, but I've always been able to live above them. Even when I think my life sucks, if I realistically look at things, I've lived above it all. God has always made a way. And he's made that way in some really unique ways. <br /><br />All through the worship service this morning I spoke with God. I love Him and I really think he knows that I do. I've been so angry though. Honestly, I've found myself reacting as a spoiled brat not getting what they want. I just found myself saying over and over, "I'm so angry." I felt him tell me, "I know you're angry <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Marcey</span>. It's o.k. You'll see what I'm going to do with all this. Remember all the other times and how you've grown to see that I have cared and directed your path. Hang on to me <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Marcey</span>. I want good for you. It's o.k. that your angry. I love you anyway." I really felt Him speak these things to my mind. It was awesome!<br /><br />It all really comes down to making a choice to believe. I can choose to be bitter, angry, and spiteful because things are not happening the way I would have wanted them to, or I can choose to believe that God is good all the time regardless of my situation. Only one of those choices will help me make it through this life. The other breeds misery. <br /><br />So, today, I'm choosing to look up and believe that God is good, and that he has a plan, and that his plan will be good regardless of the paths it takes to get there. It's the only way I can keep going.<br /><br />Still Living and Learning....<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Marcey</span>Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-88881672178885821472007-07-18T15:31:00.000-07:002007-07-18T16:11:36.516-07:00Is God a Respecter of Persons????It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I've been extremely busy, and have been writing elsewhere, taking classes, and being a wife and mom. <br /><br />On Tuesday, July 11th, Hannah had a seizure after 2 1/2 years of being seizure free. I woke up, went in to check on Billie, and came to lay back down for a bit. That's when I heard a strange but vaguely familiar noise. I turned over to see Hannah laying face down on the bed, arms stiff to the side and she was seizing. I'm not sure how many she had while I was checking on Billie. It couldn't have been more than one or two because I was only gone about 5 minutes. I'm just so thankful that I decided to go lay back down. I don't want to even think about the other possibilities. Kyle came in and sat with her while I located the diastat. I administered it and the seizures did stop. After I knew she was safe and recovering, the roller coaster ride really bagan with calling doctors, pharmacies, etc. and waiting for return calls. <br /><br />They upped her zonegran to 300 mg. She was a crab all week and weekend. I thought I was going nuts. Seriously. The bad thing is that you know she can't help it. It still doesn't make it easier to take. By Monday she was back to her old self thankfully. Now, we just have to keep our fingers crossed that the higher dose of zonegran works. I hate the thought of putting her back on topomax.<br /><br />To say that I'm not struggling would be a lie. This is the place I don't have to lie right. I can say whatever I want. No fake happy faces here. I'm kind of surprised at the anger that I feel. It's not like me. I'm the eternal optimist. The one that always sees the sunny side of everything. The person who is first to remind themselves that there is always someone worse off than you are. Not right now, I'm not.<br /><br />If I have to hear one more testimony of God's miraculous healings I will throw up. If one more person says to me that "maybe it was just a fluke", I will scream. If I hear again that "God must really think Hannah's special" I'm going to slap someone. If one more person tells me that you can't die from seizures I'm going to run away. I know people are only trying to help, but they aren't. <br /><br />Epilepsy is a serious life altering disability. Yet, it's not recognized as a disability. An epileptic isn't protected under the Disability act. Therefore it makes it difficult for them to find a job or keep one. The "you can't die from epilepsy" is a foolish misguided fact. A person can die with epilepsy. It's called SUDEP. They have a seizure in their bed and there is no one there to intervene. They suffocate or seize so long that they have a heart attack or some other fatal problem. <br /><br />I'm not mad that Hannah has epilepsy. In all honesty I can deal with that. I'm mad becuase I can't seem to catch a break. It's one thing after another. Hannah's had her share of pain already. Good Lord, I must be a terribly stupid person for God to put this much on me. What lesson am I not learning? I thought we finally caught one and then the same thing comes back for us to deal with all over again. It's just wrong! Aren't God's children supposed to be blessed? Oh, I forgot, it could be worse. In 6 wks, I had my son falsely arrested for a crime he did not commit, and I had to work and fight to get him cleared. Then I got a double ear infection, that knocked me flat on my back. The next week Billie falls, breaks her hip, has heart attacks while she's in the hospital, and has to spend a month in rehab. She gets out of rehab and comes home and can't do anything for herself. So, I have my special needs daughter and my mil to take care of. Then Hannah's seizures return. I'm waiting for the next disaster.<br /><br />I sat in church on Sunday evening. David stayed home with everyone so I could get out. All I heard was the miraculous workings of God. I was not inspired. Instead I wanted to know what was wrong with me? Why did/does God do these things for these people and not me? What have I done that has turned his favor from me. Actually, I don't think I've ever had his favor. I felt God was a respector of persons. How am I supposed to believe that someone like that has my good in mind?<br /><br />I just don't understand. I'm still praying. I'm asking God questions. If I get any answers I'll be sure to share them.Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-58081676198548872412007-04-15T08:56:00.000-07:002007-04-15T09:26:45.486-07:00Alot happening...Since my last pity post so much has transpired. Hannah is in school. She was admitted into the PPCD(Public Pre-school for Children with Disabilities) program at our local public school. There she can recieve services and we don't pay out of pocket for them. Our tax dollars pay for them. Big relief.<br /><br />I finally just reached beyond myself and so many people contributed to the process. Either by helping me find the right avenues or encouraging me to keep going. We really need each other. The end result has been a good one. We have an educational team set up and they have been great. The teacher and I email back and forth. The nurse was amazing. Everyone was.<br /><br />This really takes some pressure off me. I have felt the lone burden of educating Hannah and getting the help she needs to succeed. That's a really tall order for one person. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and caused me to put myself out there more than I would have otherwise. I'm definately experiencing continued growth as a person. I've stretched myself more than I ever thought possible and know that I will be stretched even more as the process continues. I'm willing.<br /><br />Hannah's first week came to an end and she did amazing. I recieved an email from her teacher thanking us for sharing her with them and telling me that Hannah adjusted better than any of her kids ever have the first week. She said we should be proud of her and we are. I think her daddy is the most proud of his princess. She really did do well. I'm so incredibly thankful.<br /><br />God's blessing to all of you! You're really appreciated by this family. I hope you know that.Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-46117771856608063812007-03-21T18:50:00.000-07:002007-03-21T19:08:59.948-07:00A Bad Day...I'm typing here. No one will see it anyway. I think people are tired of all my problems. I know I am. Nothing too serious. Just life. But still...<br /><br />I know life isn't fair. I just wish something could be easy for me. Just once. I can feel myself spiraling and I'm doing all the things to keep it from happening but it just isn't working. <br /><br />I read an article today about "grieving". It was about how parents grieve their children's disabilites, etc. I think it's true. I know I grieve and wonder if I ever won't. And then I feel just awful because I should be more thankful. I mean, Hannah's alive. The alternative is so much worse. I can't imagine life without her.<br /><br />Really, no parent should have to go through this and I know parents who have it much worse than we have. Children shouldn't have to go through this. What can possibly be gained from the inability to function on a normal level with your peers. It's heartbreaking.<br /><br />I find myself questioning God one moment and crying out to him the next. My mind is so confused. Why? I mean, I can understand ONE thing, but one thing after another and another. It's so unfair. There I go using that word again. Sigh!<br /><br />I just need some answers. Just some guidance. I'm tired of fumbling my way through this developmental maze. There just seems to be no answers. Why is it such a fight? I just dont' get it. Developmental delays are prevalent. It's unreal. <br /><br />I'm just so weary. But it doesn't matter because I HAVE to keep going. I'm a parent of a child with "special needs". No rest for the weary.Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-44862127184641645042007-01-27T17:51:00.000-08:002007-01-27T19:57:37.926-08:00Order My Steps...It's been way too long since I posted or even attempted to write. I struggle so much with writing and it's really something I enjoy doing. I more than enjoy it. I love it.<br /><br />I'm afraid the thing I love to do is not something I'm good at doing. You know, most of us have seen the "American Idol" auditions and those people that think they can sing and are oblivious to the fact that they can't carry a tune. It's so heartbreaking to watch. I would be just as devastated to find out that my writing sucks. That I have not an ounce of talent because it is something I truly love doing. So, I ignore it a lot and just don't do it. In this ever turning brain of mine I have this idea that if I don't do it long enough I will lose the desire to do it. Wrong. The idea is just that, an idea and the desire to write is never quenched. So, I guess I write good or bad and let my ever turning brain work things out eventually. :<)<br /><br />I've changed the way I pray lately. Have you ever done that? Just change <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">something</span> in the way you approach God? Anyway, it's led to some discoveries about myself.<br /><br />God really cares about me. He cares about my everyday life. I'll beat my head against the wall trying to figure things out or make things happen. Then I come to myself, buckle my knees and just ask for some help. "Order my steps Lord", I pray. Decision making is not something I do well. I do it all the time but it is mental torment for me to decide something and be o.k. with it. I have to know that what I am deciding is the absolute best thing. You can only imagine how many times my decisions are the "best" option. I watched though as the very things I have beat my head about simply work out once I reach outside myself. God hears me.<br /><br />One of those decisions I've struggled with is my 5 yrs old daughters development. Her vocabulary is at the level of a 3 yr old and she has sensory/motor delays. It was easy for me to call on God when she was in the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">NICU</span> unit and only had a 50% chance of survival. Those were things that were out of my hands. It's been easy to call on God when she was seizing or having surgery. It's not been so easy though when it has come to things I thought I should be able to control. Development. Isn't that a mom's job? Nothing I did worked. Every hoop I jumped through led me to frustration and waiting. Precious time is wasting, I would think. I was wasting precious time. I needed to make some tough decisions and I needed someone to help me make those decisions. So, again, I came to myself. "Order my steps Lord", I prayed. "Please help me. I'm afraid and I don't know what the best thing to do is." In the next few days I watched as people were put in my path that had information I could use to get us the help we needed. Phone calls came in that I had been waiting months on. Appointments set and therapy scheduled. I stood in awe. It was so easy. God heard me.<br /><br />I opened my Bible the other day and came across this verse. <em>Psalms 119:33 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me.</em> So, my prayer isn't anything new. The psalmist prayed it. I've decided that having my steps "ordered in His Word" is a wonderful thing. It brings peace to my troubled mind and rest to my soul. I pray this is a lesson learned. I'm such a stubborn soul though. Thankfully God is so patient and he will let me review my lesson as many times as it takes me to get it.<br /><br />Living and Learning,<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">Marcey</span>Marceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-1158946361527166232006-09-22T07:54:00.000-07:002006-10-21T10:43:44.676-07:00Ponderings...It's been a while since I posted here. I got a boost last night and well, here I am.<br /><br />Speaking of last night, we had an artist way reunion. The ladies from my second group met. It was alot of fun and I was so excited to see everyone. I love hearing about everyone's lives, family, and interests. I was a little sad when I left because I realized that was probably the last time I'd see any of them. The only bummer I found to attending groups is that when they are over people lose touch.<br /><br />Life has been so hectic lately. I took on schooling Hannah. I just couldn't be satisfied with our options for her and well, I'm hoping I can cater to her learning style and needs more easily. We did join a MOPS group that meets every Tuesday morning. She enjoys playing with the kids and I enjoy the fellowship of other moms. Oh, and we joined a homeschool group that we can sign up for varying activities throughout the month. On top of that we will soon have speech therapy and are setting up occupational and physical therapy too. She's really improved in the few weeks I've been working with her.<br /><br /><strong>I never posted the previous two paragraphs so I'm going to continue with my post today following.</strong> 10/21/06<br /><strong></strong><br />I find myself really overwhelmed lately. There is so much that needs and requires my attention. My mind is constantly at wonder as to how other families manage. I know other people have it as hard or harder than we do and they do it well. My expectations have been altered. I don't expect perfection. Well, is all I want or desire. What does "well" mean? O.K., so I looked it up and it could easily be just a baby step from perfection. LOL! Interesting. I guess my expectations haven't been altered as much as I thought they had. So, expectations. What are my expectations? I think I just want right and good. Is that too much? Something for me to continue to ponder. At any rate, I am overwhelmed and I really need to do something about it.<br /><br />Besides being overwhelmed I am feeling tremendously guilty. For all of Hannah's 5 yr old life I have worked like a dog to give her everything she needed. Somehow it hasn't been enough. I'm frustrated and maybe a little angry that I just cant' seem to get things right. I focused on her health. Researched epilepsy, prematurity, and any number of other health concerns we have had with her. The first 3 1/2 years were totally focused on her health. Development took a backseat and now because I wasn't able to focus on both or balance both health and development we are in for some really intensive therapies. Just when I thought we might get a break. How do other people do it? Why did I miss this? How did I miss it? Did I choose to ignore it because I knew it was something I just couldn't do "right"? So many questions. This is her life. I need to get it right.<br /><br />I can't live in guilt though. Guilt and blame keep a person stuck. They are unable to move when they are stooped in it. I refuse to not be moving. I cant' stop moving.<br /><br />The only thing I know to do when things get this way is to stop, regroup, and have a meeting with my best friend. "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears......This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." psalms 34: 4 & 6.<br /><br />Living and Learning,<br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-1152460265835864212006-07-09T07:00:00.000-07:002006-07-11T13:27:40.506-07:00Cure for Fear?Fear. What a tiny word for such a HUGE emotion. Fear is capable of so many things. It can drive a person or it can freeze them. Fear can aid a person in their quest for success or it can be the very thing that leads to their failure. A single four letter word. Wow!<br /><br />Recently I experienced the stifling kind of fear. The fear that stops you dead in your tracks. I am a part of a group called "The Artist Way". We're just a group of ladies from all walks of life that have gotten together and are discovering things about ourselves or resurrecting life enhancing things that have been long buried. Our manual is a book by Julia Cameron called "The Artist's Way; A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity". Awesome writing and instruction. I give it a huge thumbs up. Anyway, during one of our weekly meetings I sort of blurted out my desire to write. I received lots of affirmation from the group. No negativity sent my way at all. What happens though? You guessed it. I all of a sudden could not write. I would pick up my pen and nothing. I would sit down to type and nothing. It was so heart breaking for me because writing has always been my "outlet". You know those little voices we all have, well, they were talking non stop. "Look what you did. You said you wanted to write and you can't. You told them and now people are going to expect you to write." It was a lot more brutal than that but I am toning it down in case someone does actually read this. LOL! It was so bad that I swore off writing. I quit writing morning pages. I quit journaling and I didn't' work on any of my stuff. I found myself soon depressed. Just the other day I picked up my "Artist Way" book and thumbed through it. Julia speaks of synchronicity in her book and well, I think I may have experienced a bit of it that day. My thumbs landed on Week 9 "Recovering a Sense of Compassion". What's the first section labeled? "Fear". Julia says this, <em>"Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all. There is only one cure for fear. The cure is love...Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice..." </em>She says a lot more than that about it but you'll have to get the book and check it out. Anyway, so, I'm afraid. That's why I'm not writing. I'm not stupid, incompetent, or dreaming. I'm just scared.<br /><br />So, the cure is Love. Seems I've heard that message before. "Perfect Love Casts out Fear" I've wrote here before about my "theory" concerning "perfect love". What if to make love perfect you have to allow yourself to love yourself. You know, do what is good for you. Take care of yourself. Be nice to YOU. How many of us are nice to ourselves? I don't know about you but I often take a mental verbal beating on an almost daily basis. If I were to say to another person the things I say to myself I wouldn't have many friends and I'd probably lose my family. What gives us the right to berate ourselves like that? The Bible does mention loving your neighbor as yourself doesn't it? Well, I feel sorry for my neighbor if he's getting the kind of love I throw my way.<br /><br />I want different. I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't know how you change your thinking where yourself is concerned. How do you take a lifetime of relating and reacting to yourself and change that? I'm going to try to find out though. And I'll probably write more about it on another day. Wish me luck.<br /><br />God Bless!<br /><br />Living and Learning,<br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-1148505863545446182006-05-24T14:01:00.000-07:002006-05-24T14:24:23.556-07:00Time FliesWow! Last night I attended Kyle's last middle school band concert. In August he'll be a 9th grader. It's so hard to believe. He's such a handsome young man and smart too. The high school girls were hitting on him back stage. Oh man! Let me get my hands on them. LOL! Not really. I am confident that Kyle has great morals and will be a joy to his teachers and peers in the next 4 years. It seems like only yesterday he was talking to the elderly neighbors over the fence. (sigh) How Time flies????<br /><br />Zachary is leaving his elementary life behind and will be in junior high come August. He also is growing up to be quite the young man. He's excited about athletics. This will be his first year to participate. I have a feeling the next couple of years will be quite interesting. He's went through 3 sizes of clothing this year alone. Seems like just yesterday he was pouring sugar on my kitchen floor and running his match box cars through it proclaiming, "it's 'nowing momma, it's 'nowing".<br /><br />Then there's Hannah. She turns 5 next week. She has grown like a weed this past year. The little fragile girl has beaten the odds and become strong and well. She's beautiful and a mess. LOL! I'm going to try my hand at schooling her this year and I'm really looking forward to it. There's nothing more exciting then seeing little minds at work. Especially hers. I can't believe 5 years have past since she was in NICU with only a 50% chance of survival. It's exciting when I look back and see the fight she put up for life. She's an amazing little girl and I can't wait to see the woman she becomes.<br /><br />Last night as I was driving home from the concert I saw the most beautiful sunset. I've never really thought about sunsets. So many writers focus on the sunrise. But with every sunrise there is a sunset. As I thought of all the sunsets in my children's life I was very thankful that I was there to witness the sunset of each experience as well as the rise. That is a miraculous gift. One to savor and treasure. If we only had sunrises we'd never know the joy of accomplishments. Think about it.<br /><br />Living and Learning,<br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-1147101342521124992006-05-08T07:41:00.000-07:002006-05-08T08:17:07.946-07:00Love and FearWow, It's been that long since I posted on my blog? Shame on me. I haven't shared my blog with anyone just yet. Maybe soon. We'll see.<br /><br />Live and Learn is still the undercurrent running in my life right now. It's both scary and exciting. I've got more "ideas" than I have time. If I can only figure out how to implement some of those "ideas" without making a total mess of things I would be one happy person.<br /><br />Recently I came to realize how much fear is a part of my life. As I'm sure it's a big part of most peoples lives. In the Christian ranks we talk a lot about love and how it cast out fear. So, if we love ourselves, does that love cast out fear? I believe it does. If that love comes from Christ and I believe he wants us to care and love ourselves then that love will also cast out fear. I wonder if the lack of love for ourselves is the key reason most of us still have fear. We have love all around us. Our family, friends, pastors, teachers, spouses, and God himself love us and we still have fear. What if we add the love for ourselves and that makes it the "perfect" love? I am no theologian. These are just my ponderings. Anyway, I'm going to work on the "loving self" thing and see if it helps with my fears. I'll let y'all know how it goes.<br /><br />Well, I should get busy around here. My quote for the day is from Eleanor Roosevelt, "It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan".<br /><br />Living and Learning,<br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-1127844482535635262005-09-27T10:45:00.000-07:002005-09-27T11:08:02.540-07:00It's been a while...I haven't posted in quite some time. So much has been happening. The kids are growing and changing so quickly. Kyle had his first accident. He wrecked on his skateboard with no pads or helmet and chipped and cracked his elbow. He saw an orthopedic doctor today. Zachary has tried to go without his Concerta and already he's had detention everyday. He will start back on it this week. Hannah is doing about the same. She's a mess. She's got an upcoming surg. soon. David is working, helping at the church and going to school. As for me, well, I'm working at Mikasa part time still. I enjoy it for the most part. <br /><br />The hurricanes lately have really motivated my thoughts. I think about all the people who have lost so much. How thankful I am for the things that I have. I also know from experience that when you're down the most is when you seem to see God's love unlike any other time. What a shame it is that it takes such tragedy for us to really see how much He cares for us. Why does it take such times as these for people to do what we've all been called of Christ to do? Love one another. <br /><br />In the last week I have been privileged to meet and talk with many evacuees. Both of Katrina and Rita. It was so encouraging to hear the stories of what strangers have done for one another in these terribly trying times. Almost all have relayed their stories with teary eyes and a thankful heart. It's refreshing to see people helping each other. I can just imagine God smiling down and saying, "there you go. That's it children. that's the way." Oh what a proud pappa he must be.<br /><br />I think that despite all the negative things being tossed our way about our leaders, we as a country still have a heart like no other. God still blesses the USA. <br /><br />Living and Learning,<br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14743008.post-1122101238569622212005-07-22T23:05:00.000-07:002005-07-22T23:47:18.573-07:00IntroductionWow, I did it. I started a blog. I have no clue what my intentions are really and what this will even turn into. Mostly just posting my thoughts and feelings.<br /><br />My name is Marcey and I am 34 years old. I titled this blog "Live and Learn". Kind of clinche', I know, but so much about my life is learning to live and living to learn. I am a "knowledge" freak. I love school. Do not have a college education but if I was able, I'm sure I'd be one of those "professional" students. To this point all I've managed is a certification in medical office administration and transcription from a business school but it sure was fun getting it.<br /><br />I also enjoy collecting items. One of my biggest is bags. Bags of any kind. Purses, book bags, cosmetic bags. A couple of other things I collect are teapots, tea cups, and porcelain dolls. I recently started in on Barbie dolls too.<br /><br />If I were asked to describe myself, I think it would be accurate to say that I am shy, verbally challenged, but considerate and caring. I am friendly but reserved. I'm not a confident person but I admire confident people. I like people but am uncomfortable around them. I have room to grow that's for sure.<br /><br />My family is very important to me. My boys are amazing young men and I thank God he gave them to me. My little angel girl is a miracle (that'll have to be another post) and she brings such light to my life. I have been very blessed.<br /><br />My greatest struggle right now, well, there are many, but one that I am really worried about right now is that I am not healthy. I weigh too much. I don't know how it got this bad. I have got to lose some weight. A lot of weight... And finding the motivation to do it is really hard. There are just so many things that need my time and attention. (((sigh)))<br /><br />My life is ever changing lately or maybe it's not really my life that has changed so much but the way I feel about my life. Here's where I say..."Good bye for now".<br /><br />Living and Learning,<br />MarceyMarceyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04199713210001727642noreply@blogger.com0