Ponderings...

It's been a while since I posted here. I got a boost last night and well, here I am.

Speaking of last night, we had an artist way reunion. The ladies from my second group met. It was alot of fun and I was so excited to see everyone. I love hearing about everyone's lives, family, and interests. I was a little sad when I left because I realized that was probably the last time I'd see any of them. The only bummer I found to attending groups is that when they are over people lose touch.

Life has been so hectic lately. I took on schooling Hannah. I just couldn't be satisfied with our options for her and well, I'm hoping I can cater to her learning style and needs more easily. We did join a MOPS group that meets every Tuesday morning. She enjoys playing with the kids and I enjoy the fellowship of other moms. Oh, and we joined a homeschool group that we can sign up for varying activities throughout the month. On top of that we will soon have speech therapy and are setting up occupational and physical therapy too. She's really improved in the few weeks I've been working with her.

I never posted the previous two paragraphs so I'm going to continue with my post today following. 10/21/06

I find myself really overwhelmed lately. There is so much that needs and requires my attention. My mind is constantly at wonder as to how other families manage. I know other people have it as hard or harder than we do and they do it well. My expectations have been altered. I don't expect perfection. Well, is all I want or desire. What does "well" mean? O.K., so I looked it up and it could easily be just a baby step from perfection. LOL! Interesting. I guess my expectations haven't been altered as much as I thought they had. So, expectations. What are my expectations? I think I just want right and good. Is that too much? Something for me to continue to ponder. At any rate, I am overwhelmed and I really need to do something about it.

Besides being overwhelmed I am feeling tremendously guilty. For all of Hannah's 5 yr old life I have worked like a dog to give her everything she needed. Somehow it hasn't been enough. I'm frustrated and maybe a little angry that I just cant' seem to get things right. I focused on her health. Researched epilepsy, prematurity, and any number of other health concerns we have had with her. The first 3 1/2 years were totally focused on her health. Development took a backseat and now because I wasn't able to focus on both or balance both health and development we are in for some really intensive therapies. Just when I thought we might get a break. How do other people do it? Why did I miss this? How did I miss it? Did I choose to ignore it because I knew it was something I just couldn't do "right"? So many questions. This is her life. I need to get it right.

I can't live in guilt though. Guilt and blame keep a person stuck. They are unable to move when they are stooped in it. I refuse to not be moving. I cant' stop moving.

The only thing I know to do when things get this way is to stop, regroup, and have a meeting with my best friend. "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears......This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." psalms 34: 4 & 6.

Living and Learning,
Marcey