God Bless....

It's been so long since I posted to this blog. I'm so caught up in the life of my children and husband that I really do not have anything to blog about "me" wise. I am still living and I'm still learning. I think I learn something new several times a day. LOL! I miss group participation I think more than anything. I can't even tell you the value there is in a group of people from all walks of life coming together and sharing in a common experience. It's inspiring and life changing. At least it was for me. They really made me get off my rear and do some things I never thought I would.

Life's been taxing the last year. Billie's health was so declining and watching her everyday waste away was killing me. I tried everything and finally gave in to something I said I'd never do. We put her in rehab. My hope was that she'd come home but she didn't. I'm heart broken everyday over it. she gave up on life when she broke her hip. She made up her mind she was useless and would not recover and she didn't. Part of me knows that her going to Denison and having the opportunity to see friends and family she had not seen in YEARS was a good thing, but there is still this part of me that thinks had she been here with me she would still be alive. Miserable, but alive. She always did for others and it was impossible for her to let people do for her. Her worth was tied to what she could do for others and when that was taken away from her she just couldn't take it. She didn't see that every time she talked to me and listened, everytime she held Hannah and sang songs with her, everytime she made the boys or David laugh she was doing something. All of us do that. We overlook anything we feel is insignificant. It's a shame and I'm learning everyday it's a HUGE shame to pass by the little things looking for the big.

Hannah has had an incredible year. And incredibly good and an incredibly bad. Her seizues are more severe when they happen. We've nearly lost her 4 times. she's been a trooper and makes each day just what it is. I really need to study her more and she needs to pass on some of her ability to look at life moment by moment to me. She's in for a couple more months of testing and then a revamping of her meds to try and get a handle on things better. She had an awesome school year. She learned and participated in every activity thrown her way. She also got Koolio this year and that has been an endeavor. She loves her doggie and it's so cool to watch their bond form and take hold. It'll be interesting to see what the rest of the year holds for her.

The boys are teens now. Kyle will graduate next year. He's a toot and is feeling the pressure of adulthood on his heels. I think he'll do fine once he realizes it's gonna happen no matter what and wraps his head around it. He wants to be 10 again. He has a girlfriend and she's a sweetheart. I'm trying not to like her too much because you know how the teen dating thing is. Here today and gone tomorrow. LOL! Zachary is just Zachary. He doens't give me a bit of trouble. He's stable, lovable and lazy. LOL!

David is amazing. I am madly in love with this man. We had years and years of not understanding and really just not liking each other much. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. He's an incredible father. I don't know what I'd do without him. He works tirelessly for us too. I don't appreciate him enough.

I'm really at a crossroads in my life I think. My faith in God is deepening. I feel God calling me to an intimacy that I never experienced before. He wants me to see him as a Father. It's quite a discovery for me. I've always followed the rules but I feel God asking me do I love the rules or do I love Him. It's going to be interesting, I think. I'm excited.

That's all I've got today. God bless!

I'm still alive

I haven't had much time for "me" lately. Actually, it's been a long time. Hannah requires so much care and attention that I'm just kind of meshed into her. I'm not sure there even is a me anymore. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I have NO ENERGY. I'm really struggling. It's always been a struggle but it seems since July things have just went into full nutso mode. Hannah had three status epileptus episodes that landed us in Cook Children's hospital. David's mom just kept going down hill and seemed content to sit in her chair and die. It has been emotionally taxing not to mention physically taxing.

Hannah has ALWAYS been a pleasant child. Ever since they put her on Keppra to control her seizures she's been a big blog of whine. She cries, melts down, doesn't cooperate, and is really starting to be a hand full. She has an appointment to see the epilepsy specialist in April. I'm so hoping he can help us. Keppra is known to cause behavior problems but it has done an excellent job at controlling her seizures. What do we do? Deal with and live with the behavior or risk another drug not controlling her seizures. I would give anything for one week of easy decisions or no decisions at all.

I'm really struggling in the weight department too. I just blew up after I had Hannah and have never managed to make any significant progress towards taking it off. I did last year early in the year but it was a time when I felt hopeful and since I have lost alot of that hopefulness I'm right back where I started weight wise. It's disgusting and embarassing. I want to do something about it, but I don't have the energy to even think half the time so how in the world would I ever come up with a plan and stick to it? I wish I just had someone that told me to eat this at this time and to do this at this time. I think the only way to go with people like me is personal trainer. Who can afford that?

There is so much that Hannah needs. Things that would make life easier for her. We are looking at the next 8 years of college tuition. Kyle and then Zachary. It's so overwhleming to even think about.

Last night at church a man came up to me and said, "you know the way "she"(Hannah) is, she'll go on into heaven and the only way you'll ever see her again is to make it there too." I guess I'm some awful sinner. If people knew how much I pray and how often I try to seek God's mind in all this stuff they'd stop all this ignorance about my salvation. I could have easily smacked the man, but what would that help. Nothing.

All in all, I am thankful for things. I really am. I'm thankful I still have Hannah. I'm thankful for my boys and David. I'm tired of all the trials but I'm not blaming God for any of it. I just thank him for the things I do have.

At any rate, I guess this was just a whine fest. I am so tired I don't even know where to end all this. I could go on for days if I let myself. I doubt anyone even looks at this blog anymore. LOL! That's o.k. It makes it a safe place. I'm still alive and kicking!