Today I watched the movie, "Facing the Giants". It was a really good movie. I know that many people viewed it and felt inspired and encouraged. Unfortunately I'm in a place spiritually and emotionally where that is not what I left the movie with. I am discouraged.
Don't get me wrong. I was happy for the coach, his wife, the team and all the other folks in the movie that saw God work in their lives. My problem with the whole thing is that what about the masses of people out here who do all the right things and don't get the results that those people had. How do you think they felt after watching the movie?
I struggle. I know God is good. I do. I just don't know what I think or believe anymore concerning his ability or choice to do good. I'm in a place where it really looks like God gets to choose who he shows favor to. He gets to do what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. I do realize that I as a human have to accept that, and I guess I'll never understand. I've been told I'm not supposed to understand. I have to just accept that God is God and that he is good regardless of what is going on in my life. I've done that. There has to be something I'm not getting though. I mean, I don't expect God to change my circumstances. I understand that whatever is going on is his will. At least I think I understand. That doesn't mean I like it. But I do accept it. I just wish I could get the peace and grace that comes with that acceptance. How do I do that?
Part of me says to get over myself, "Quit acting like a spoiled brat Marcey". The other part of me is saying, "hello! I've had my share. Can you cut me a slack?" I don't know how people do it. I can't control myself. I used to could, but lately I feel like I want to just throw a hissy fit. Ugggh! This is just not me. I'm not myself.
This has to be a season. I'm really hoping and praying for a break in the new year. I'd do anything to get that.
Enough of my rambling tonight.....
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Happy Birthday To Me....
Yeah, it's my birthday. My 37th one. Just 3 more years and I'll hit the big 40. LOL!
My life certainly doesn't look the way I had imagined. In some ways it's been disappointing, but in other ways it's far better than I had hoped. It's been a hard road. Seemingly a constant hard road, but just the other day David and I were watching videos of the boys when they were little, and although that time in our life was engulfed in conflict, there were some beautiful times that I wouldn't trade for the world. Yesterday Hannah woke me up singing "wake up little blue bird". I'll hold the sound of her little voice in my memory forever, I hope. The boys are fastly approaching manhood. It's neat and scary to watch. I do worry what kind of men they will be. David and I are getting along better than ever. We still get on each others nerves but some of the very things that used to drive me nuts about him, so endear him to me now. For instance, his corny sense of humor, oh how I'd cringe when he'd try to be funny. I never got the jokes. Now, it's adorable and I laugh whether I get them or not. It's interesting how life changes. Life is really like a book with many chapters.
I think more than anything, things that used to be so important just aren't that important in the scope of things. Things I convinced myself I couldn't do, I now see that I'm the only one stopping me.
I'm really looking forward to the future. I know that without a doubt I'll have some pretty yucky days, weeks, or months come along. Bad days are always around the corner. What better reason can I possibly have to live the good days, weeks, and months to the fullest though. I'm ready to participate in life instead of standing around watching it happen.
So, Happy Birthday to Me......
My life certainly doesn't look the way I had imagined. In some ways it's been disappointing, but in other ways it's far better than I had hoped. It's been a hard road. Seemingly a constant hard road, but just the other day David and I were watching videos of the boys when they were little, and although that time in our life was engulfed in conflict, there were some beautiful times that I wouldn't trade for the world. Yesterday Hannah woke me up singing "wake up little blue bird". I'll hold the sound of her little voice in my memory forever, I hope. The boys are fastly approaching manhood. It's neat and scary to watch. I do worry what kind of men they will be. David and I are getting along better than ever. We still get on each others nerves but some of the very things that used to drive me nuts about him, so endear him to me now. For instance, his corny sense of humor, oh how I'd cringe when he'd try to be funny. I never got the jokes. Now, it's adorable and I laugh whether I get them or not. It's interesting how life changes. Life is really like a book with many chapters.
I think more than anything, things that used to be so important just aren't that important in the scope of things. Things I convinced myself I couldn't do, I now see that I'm the only one stopping me.
I'm really looking forward to the future. I know that without a doubt I'll have some pretty yucky days, weeks, or months come along. Bad days are always around the corner. What better reason can I possibly have to live the good days, weeks, and months to the fullest though. I'm ready to participate in life instead of standing around watching it happen.
So, Happy Birthday to Me......
Monday, October 29, 2007
Some Pictures...
Hannah having her EEG
Hannah Playing around with a bowl. She is fascinated with looking through things.
Kyle, David, and Hannah Easter 2007
Hannah being silly and playing in my laundry basket
This is Kyle the Chatman ChapmanZach never lets me take his picture. The TURKEY! I'll try to get one of him soon.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
I'll Be Up Again...
Life keeps happening. That's a good thing, right?
I'll be through with my first semester of college in a little over a month. It's the new love of my life. Seriously, I am addicted to the feeling I get sitting in a classroom. Definitely something I hope to get to continue doing. Who knows, I may end up with a doctorate one day. LOL!
I've been challenged to change my thinking. My stinky thinking, that is. These are my ponderings. Can you change your thoughts with just a decision to believe differently? Aren't changes made after a decision that a change is needed? So, why wouldn't changing the way you think start with a decision to do so? I think I make things harder than they really are sometimes. I say I want out of the pit, but when all I have to do is make a simple decision, I find every reason, make every excuse, why that can't happen. It's all about comfort, don't you think? We live in the pit so long that we make it home. We decorate it, add our possessions, maybe even make some memories there. It becomes tolerable, even comfortable. The whole time we're there we're complaining about it, but by our actions we're accepting, even embracing it. It becomes comfortable, and the outside becomes a really scary place. We say we want out, and we expect other people to pull us out. We want them to share their methods, put forth great effort to help us. You know, there are no methods or efforts that will work if we don't decide to get out. It's ultimately up to us.
I've had my share of obstacles in this life, and believe me, I can almost guarantee there are more around the corner, and the next corner, and the next....You get my point. Obstacles are not going to change, and you can't stop life from happening. So, what do I do? I think what I need to realize is that, I'll be up again. The pits only temporary. Everyday is not a bad day. There are plenty of good days in between. So, when there is a bad day, I need to think/say..."I'll be up again" And instead of staying in the pit long enough to make it comfortable, I need to get off my butt and get out.
An old song..."I'll be Up again"
I'll be up again
Just you wait and see
Bad times won't keep me down
They'll just send me to my knees
And there while I'm in prayer
I will sing the victory song
And I'll be up again
Where I belong
Rejoice not against me
OH my enemies
When I Fall
I shall Arise
Rejoice not against me
Oh my enemies
When I'm in the night
The Lord will be My Light
This probably makes no sense to anyone but myself, but hey, that's o.k. It did what it was supposed to. I have a little more clarity in my thoughts today.
Living and learning
Marcey
I'll be through with my first semester of college in a little over a month. It's the new love of my life. Seriously, I am addicted to the feeling I get sitting in a classroom. Definitely something I hope to get to continue doing. Who knows, I may end up with a doctorate one day. LOL!
I've been challenged to change my thinking. My stinky thinking, that is. These are my ponderings. Can you change your thoughts with just a decision to believe differently? Aren't changes made after a decision that a change is needed? So, why wouldn't changing the way you think start with a decision to do so? I think I make things harder than they really are sometimes. I say I want out of the pit, but when all I have to do is make a simple decision, I find every reason, make every excuse, why that can't happen. It's all about comfort, don't you think? We live in the pit so long that we make it home. We decorate it, add our possessions, maybe even make some memories there. It becomes tolerable, even comfortable. The whole time we're there we're complaining about it, but by our actions we're accepting, even embracing it. It becomes comfortable, and the outside becomes a really scary place. We say we want out, and we expect other people to pull us out. We want them to share their methods, put forth great effort to help us. You know, there are no methods or efforts that will work if we don't decide to get out. It's ultimately up to us.
I've had my share of obstacles in this life, and believe me, I can almost guarantee there are more around the corner, and the next corner, and the next....You get my point. Obstacles are not going to change, and you can't stop life from happening. So, what do I do? I think what I need to realize is that, I'll be up again. The pits only temporary. Everyday is not a bad day. There are plenty of good days in between. So, when there is a bad day, I need to think/say..."I'll be up again" And instead of staying in the pit long enough to make it comfortable, I need to get off my butt and get out.
An old song..."I'll be Up again"
I'll be up again
Just you wait and see
Bad times won't keep me down
They'll just send me to my knees
And there while I'm in prayer
I will sing the victory song
And I'll be up again
Where I belong
Rejoice not against me
OH my enemies
When I Fall
I shall Arise
Rejoice not against me
Oh my enemies
When I'm in the night
The Lord will be My Light
This probably makes no sense to anyone but myself, but hey, that's o.k. It did what it was supposed to. I have a little more clarity in my thoughts today.
Living and learning
Marcey
Friday, August 24, 2007
So, I'm going to do it...
Well, on Monday I will attend my first classes at our community college. I NEVER thought I could or would do this and I'm still not sure I can. LOL! It has always been something I wanted to do.
A few months ago I took a Life/Career class and it was really very helpful. I've got my husband scheduled to take it starting in October. I am excited for him because I know it will be so helpful.
Anyway, I am going to college and basically entered as a psych major. My goal when I am done is to be able to teach parents about the different disorders their child has once they've been diagnosed and then lead those parents to the resources that will help them and their children. As well as I would like to work with women who have been in past or present abusive situations. So, basically I want to teach, I guess but not in school. I want to teach individuals or small groups. Are you shocked?
So, the kids and I all start school on Monday. Hannah is so ready to go back. She also starts back at Baylor on Monday. The first 3 1/2 weeks will be maddening because I have to take orientation but after that things will be less hectic.
Life is ever changing. Thankfully. Even if you don't like change there's no way you could possibly want you life to stay the same forever. I'd be so totally bored.
For Now....
Marcey
A few months ago I took a Life/Career class and it was really very helpful. I've got my husband scheduled to take it starting in October. I am excited for him because I know it will be so helpful.
Anyway, I am going to college and basically entered as a psych major. My goal when I am done is to be able to teach parents about the different disorders their child has once they've been diagnosed and then lead those parents to the resources that will help them and their children. As well as I would like to work with women who have been in past or present abusive situations. So, basically I want to teach, I guess but not in school. I want to teach individuals or small groups. Are you shocked?
So, the kids and I all start school on Monday. Hannah is so ready to go back. She also starts back at Baylor on Monday. The first 3 1/2 weeks will be maddening because I have to take orientation but after that things will be less hectic.
Life is ever changing. Thankfully. Even if you don't like change there's no way you could possibly want you life to stay the same forever. I'd be so totally bored.
For Now....
Marcey
Sunday, July 22, 2007
So I'm being more reasonable....
Today I went to Sunday School. It's been weeks since I've been able to go. Our pastor spoke on how God may not remove a problem from our lives but he will make a way for us to live above it. It made sense to me. I've had a lot of problems in my life that have NEVER went away, but I've always been able to live above them. Even when I think my life sucks, if I realistically look at things, I've lived above it all. God has always made a way. And he's made that way in some really unique ways.
All through the worship service this morning I spoke with God. I love Him and I really think he knows that I do. I've been so angry though. Honestly, I've found myself reacting as a spoiled brat not getting what they want. I just found myself saying over and over, "I'm so angry." I felt him tell me, "I know you're angry Marcey. It's o.k. You'll see what I'm going to do with all this. Remember all the other times and how you've grown to see that I have cared and directed your path. Hang on to me Marcey. I want good for you. It's o.k. that your angry. I love you anyway." I really felt Him speak these things to my mind. It was awesome!
It all really comes down to making a choice to believe. I can choose to be bitter, angry, and spiteful because things are not happening the way I would have wanted them to, or I can choose to believe that God is good all the time regardless of my situation. Only one of those choices will help me make it through this life. The other breeds misery.
So, today, I'm choosing to look up and believe that God is good, and that he has a plan, and that his plan will be good regardless of the paths it takes to get there. It's the only way I can keep going.
Still Living and Learning....
Marcey
All through the worship service this morning I spoke with God. I love Him and I really think he knows that I do. I've been so angry though. Honestly, I've found myself reacting as a spoiled brat not getting what they want. I just found myself saying over and over, "I'm so angry." I felt him tell me, "I know you're angry Marcey. It's o.k. You'll see what I'm going to do with all this. Remember all the other times and how you've grown to see that I have cared and directed your path. Hang on to me Marcey. I want good for you. It's o.k. that your angry. I love you anyway." I really felt Him speak these things to my mind. It was awesome!
It all really comes down to making a choice to believe. I can choose to be bitter, angry, and spiteful because things are not happening the way I would have wanted them to, or I can choose to believe that God is good all the time regardless of my situation. Only one of those choices will help me make it through this life. The other breeds misery.
So, today, I'm choosing to look up and believe that God is good, and that he has a plan, and that his plan will be good regardless of the paths it takes to get there. It's the only way I can keep going.
Still Living and Learning....
Marcey
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Is God a Respecter of Persons????
It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I've been extremely busy, and have been writing elsewhere, taking classes, and being a wife and mom.
On Tuesday, July 11th, Hannah had a seizure after 2 1/2 years of being seizure free. I woke up, went in to check on Billie, and came to lay back down for a bit. That's when I heard a strange but vaguely familiar noise. I turned over to see Hannah laying face down on the bed, arms stiff to the side and she was seizing. I'm not sure how many she had while I was checking on Billie. It couldn't have been more than one or two because I was only gone about 5 minutes. I'm just so thankful that I decided to go lay back down. I don't want to even think about the other possibilities. Kyle came in and sat with her while I located the diastat. I administered it and the seizures did stop. After I knew she was safe and recovering, the roller coaster ride really bagan with calling doctors, pharmacies, etc. and waiting for return calls.
They upped her zonegran to 300 mg. She was a crab all week and weekend. I thought I was going nuts. Seriously. The bad thing is that you know she can't help it. It still doesn't make it easier to take. By Monday she was back to her old self thankfully. Now, we just have to keep our fingers crossed that the higher dose of zonegran works. I hate the thought of putting her back on topomax.
To say that I'm not struggling would be a lie. This is the place I don't have to lie right. I can say whatever I want. No fake happy faces here. I'm kind of surprised at the anger that I feel. It's not like me. I'm the eternal optimist. The one that always sees the sunny side of everything. The person who is first to remind themselves that there is always someone worse off than you are. Not right now, I'm not.
If I have to hear one more testimony of God's miraculous healings I will throw up. If one more person says to me that "maybe it was just a fluke", I will scream. If I hear again that "God must really think Hannah's special" I'm going to slap someone. If one more person tells me that you can't die from seizures I'm going to run away. I know people are only trying to help, but they aren't.
Epilepsy is a serious life altering disability. Yet, it's not recognized as a disability. An epileptic isn't protected under the Disability act. Therefore it makes it difficult for them to find a job or keep one. The "you can't die from epilepsy" is a foolish misguided fact. A person can die with epilepsy. It's called SUDEP. They have a seizure in their bed and there is no one there to intervene. They suffocate or seize so long that they have a heart attack or some other fatal problem.
I'm not mad that Hannah has epilepsy. In all honesty I can deal with that. I'm mad becuase I can't seem to catch a break. It's one thing after another. Hannah's had her share of pain already. Good Lord, I must be a terribly stupid person for God to put this much on me. What lesson am I not learning? I thought we finally caught one and then the same thing comes back for us to deal with all over again. It's just wrong! Aren't God's children supposed to be blessed? Oh, I forgot, it could be worse. In 6 wks, I had my son falsely arrested for a crime he did not commit, and I had to work and fight to get him cleared. Then I got a double ear infection, that knocked me flat on my back. The next week Billie falls, breaks her hip, has heart attacks while she's in the hospital, and has to spend a month in rehab. She gets out of rehab and comes home and can't do anything for herself. So, I have my special needs daughter and my mil to take care of. Then Hannah's seizures return. I'm waiting for the next disaster.
I sat in church on Sunday evening. David stayed home with everyone so I could get out. All I heard was the miraculous workings of God. I was not inspired. Instead I wanted to know what was wrong with me? Why did/does God do these things for these people and not me? What have I done that has turned his favor from me. Actually, I don't think I've ever had his favor. I felt God was a respector of persons. How am I supposed to believe that someone like that has my good in mind?
I just don't understand. I'm still praying. I'm asking God questions. If I get any answers I'll be sure to share them.
On Tuesday, July 11th, Hannah had a seizure after 2 1/2 years of being seizure free. I woke up, went in to check on Billie, and came to lay back down for a bit. That's when I heard a strange but vaguely familiar noise. I turned over to see Hannah laying face down on the bed, arms stiff to the side and she was seizing. I'm not sure how many she had while I was checking on Billie. It couldn't have been more than one or two because I was only gone about 5 minutes. I'm just so thankful that I decided to go lay back down. I don't want to even think about the other possibilities. Kyle came in and sat with her while I located the diastat. I administered it and the seizures did stop. After I knew she was safe and recovering, the roller coaster ride really bagan with calling doctors, pharmacies, etc. and waiting for return calls.
They upped her zonegran to 300 mg. She was a crab all week and weekend. I thought I was going nuts. Seriously. The bad thing is that you know she can't help it. It still doesn't make it easier to take. By Monday she was back to her old self thankfully. Now, we just have to keep our fingers crossed that the higher dose of zonegran works. I hate the thought of putting her back on topomax.
To say that I'm not struggling would be a lie. This is the place I don't have to lie right. I can say whatever I want. No fake happy faces here. I'm kind of surprised at the anger that I feel. It's not like me. I'm the eternal optimist. The one that always sees the sunny side of everything. The person who is first to remind themselves that there is always someone worse off than you are. Not right now, I'm not.
If I have to hear one more testimony of God's miraculous healings I will throw up. If one more person says to me that "maybe it was just a fluke", I will scream. If I hear again that "God must really think Hannah's special" I'm going to slap someone. If one more person tells me that you can't die from seizures I'm going to run away. I know people are only trying to help, but they aren't.
Epilepsy is a serious life altering disability. Yet, it's not recognized as a disability. An epileptic isn't protected under the Disability act. Therefore it makes it difficult for them to find a job or keep one. The "you can't die from epilepsy" is a foolish misguided fact. A person can die with epilepsy. It's called SUDEP. They have a seizure in their bed and there is no one there to intervene. They suffocate or seize so long that they have a heart attack or some other fatal problem.
I'm not mad that Hannah has epilepsy. In all honesty I can deal with that. I'm mad becuase I can't seem to catch a break. It's one thing after another. Hannah's had her share of pain already. Good Lord, I must be a terribly stupid person for God to put this much on me. What lesson am I not learning? I thought we finally caught one and then the same thing comes back for us to deal with all over again. It's just wrong! Aren't God's children supposed to be blessed? Oh, I forgot, it could be worse. In 6 wks, I had my son falsely arrested for a crime he did not commit, and I had to work and fight to get him cleared. Then I got a double ear infection, that knocked me flat on my back. The next week Billie falls, breaks her hip, has heart attacks while she's in the hospital, and has to spend a month in rehab. She gets out of rehab and comes home and can't do anything for herself. So, I have my special needs daughter and my mil to take care of. Then Hannah's seizures return. I'm waiting for the next disaster.
I sat in church on Sunday evening. David stayed home with everyone so I could get out. All I heard was the miraculous workings of God. I was not inspired. Instead I wanted to know what was wrong with me? Why did/does God do these things for these people and not me? What have I done that has turned his favor from me. Actually, I don't think I've ever had his favor. I felt God was a respector of persons. How am I supposed to believe that someone like that has my good in mind?
I just don't understand. I'm still praying. I'm asking God questions. If I get any answers I'll be sure to share them.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Alot happening...
Since my last pity post so much has transpired. Hannah is in school. She was admitted into the PPCD(Public Pre-school for Children with Disabilities) program at our local public school. There she can recieve services and we don't pay out of pocket for them. Our tax dollars pay for them. Big relief.
I finally just reached beyond myself and so many people contributed to the process. Either by helping me find the right avenues or encouraging me to keep going. We really need each other. The end result has been a good one. We have an educational team set up and they have been great. The teacher and I email back and forth. The nurse was amazing. Everyone was.
This really takes some pressure off me. I have felt the lone burden of educating Hannah and getting the help she needs to succeed. That's a really tall order for one person. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and caused me to put myself out there more than I would have otherwise. I'm definately experiencing continued growth as a person. I've stretched myself more than I ever thought possible and know that I will be stretched even more as the process continues. I'm willing.
Hannah's first week came to an end and she did amazing. I recieved an email from her teacher thanking us for sharing her with them and telling me that Hannah adjusted better than any of her kids ever have the first week. She said we should be proud of her and we are. I think her daddy is the most proud of his princess. She really did do well. I'm so incredibly thankful.
God's blessing to all of you! You're really appreciated by this family. I hope you know that.
I finally just reached beyond myself and so many people contributed to the process. Either by helping me find the right avenues or encouraging me to keep going. We really need each other. The end result has been a good one. We have an educational team set up and they have been great. The teacher and I email back and forth. The nurse was amazing. Everyone was.
This really takes some pressure off me. I have felt the lone burden of educating Hannah and getting the help she needs to succeed. That's a really tall order for one person. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and caused me to put myself out there more than I would have otherwise. I'm definately experiencing continued growth as a person. I've stretched myself more than I ever thought possible and know that I will be stretched even more as the process continues. I'm willing.
Hannah's first week came to an end and she did amazing. I recieved an email from her teacher thanking us for sharing her with them and telling me that Hannah adjusted better than any of her kids ever have the first week. She said we should be proud of her and we are. I think her daddy is the most proud of his princess. She really did do well. I'm so incredibly thankful.
God's blessing to all of you! You're really appreciated by this family. I hope you know that.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
A Bad Day...
I'm typing here. No one will see it anyway. I think people are tired of all my problems. I know I am. Nothing too serious. Just life. But still...
I know life isn't fair. I just wish something could be easy for me. Just once. I can feel myself spiraling and I'm doing all the things to keep it from happening but it just isn't working.
I read an article today about "grieving". It was about how parents grieve their children's disabilites, etc. I think it's true. I know I grieve and wonder if I ever won't. And then I feel just awful because I should be more thankful. I mean, Hannah's alive. The alternative is so much worse. I can't imagine life without her.
Really, no parent should have to go through this and I know parents who have it much worse than we have. Children shouldn't have to go through this. What can possibly be gained from the inability to function on a normal level with your peers. It's heartbreaking.
I find myself questioning God one moment and crying out to him the next. My mind is so confused. Why? I mean, I can understand ONE thing, but one thing after another and another. It's so unfair. There I go using that word again. Sigh!
I just need some answers. Just some guidance. I'm tired of fumbling my way through this developmental maze. There just seems to be no answers. Why is it such a fight? I just dont' get it. Developmental delays are prevalent. It's unreal.
I'm just so weary. But it doesn't matter because I HAVE to keep going. I'm a parent of a child with "special needs". No rest for the weary.
I know life isn't fair. I just wish something could be easy for me. Just once. I can feel myself spiraling and I'm doing all the things to keep it from happening but it just isn't working.
I read an article today about "grieving". It was about how parents grieve their children's disabilites, etc. I think it's true. I know I grieve and wonder if I ever won't. And then I feel just awful because I should be more thankful. I mean, Hannah's alive. The alternative is so much worse. I can't imagine life without her.
Really, no parent should have to go through this and I know parents who have it much worse than we have. Children shouldn't have to go through this. What can possibly be gained from the inability to function on a normal level with your peers. It's heartbreaking.
I find myself questioning God one moment and crying out to him the next. My mind is so confused. Why? I mean, I can understand ONE thing, but one thing after another and another. It's so unfair. There I go using that word again. Sigh!
I just need some answers. Just some guidance. I'm tired of fumbling my way through this developmental maze. There just seems to be no answers. Why is it such a fight? I just dont' get it. Developmental delays are prevalent. It's unreal.
I'm just so weary. But it doesn't matter because I HAVE to keep going. I'm a parent of a child with "special needs". No rest for the weary.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Order My Steps...
It's been way too long since I posted or even attempted to write. I struggle so much with writing and it's really something I enjoy doing. I more than enjoy it. I love it.
I'm afraid the thing I love to do is not something I'm good at doing. You know, most of us have seen the "American Idol" auditions and those people that think they can sing and are oblivious to the fact that they can't carry a tune. It's so heartbreaking to watch. I would be just as devastated to find out that my writing sucks. That I have not an ounce of talent because it is something I truly love doing. So, I ignore it a lot and just don't do it. In this ever turning brain of mine I have this idea that if I don't do it long enough I will lose the desire to do it. Wrong. The idea is just that, an idea and the desire to write is never quenched. So, I guess I write good or bad and let my ever turning brain work things out eventually. :<)
I've changed the way I pray lately. Have you ever done that? Just change something in the way you approach God? Anyway, it's led to some discoveries about myself.
God really cares about me. He cares about my everyday life. I'll beat my head against the wall trying to figure things out or make things happen. Then I come to myself, buckle my knees and just ask for some help. "Order my steps Lord", I pray. Decision making is not something I do well. I do it all the time but it is mental torment for me to decide something and be o.k. with it. I have to know that what I am deciding is the absolute best thing. You can only imagine how many times my decisions are the "best" option. I watched though as the very things I have beat my head about simply work out once I reach outside myself. God hears me.
One of those decisions I've struggled with is my 5 yrs old daughters development. Her vocabulary is at the level of a 3 yr old and she has sensory/motor delays. It was easy for me to call on God when she was in the NICU unit and only had a 50% chance of survival. Those were things that were out of my hands. It's been easy to call on God when she was seizing or having surgery. It's not been so easy though when it has come to things I thought I should be able to control. Development. Isn't that a mom's job? Nothing I did worked. Every hoop I jumped through led me to frustration and waiting. Precious time is wasting, I would think. I was wasting precious time. I needed to make some tough decisions and I needed someone to help me make those decisions. So, again, I came to myself. "Order my steps Lord", I prayed. "Please help me. I'm afraid and I don't know what the best thing to do is." In the next few days I watched as people were put in my path that had information I could use to get us the help we needed. Phone calls came in that I had been waiting months on. Appointments set and therapy scheduled. I stood in awe. It was so easy. God heard me.
I opened my Bible the other day and came across this verse. Psalms 119:33 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. So, my prayer isn't anything new. The psalmist prayed it. I've decided that having my steps "ordered in His Word" is a wonderful thing. It brings peace to my troubled mind and rest to my soul. I pray this is a lesson learned. I'm such a stubborn soul though. Thankfully God is so patient and he will let me review my lesson as many times as it takes me to get it.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
I'm afraid the thing I love to do is not something I'm good at doing. You know, most of us have seen the "American Idol" auditions and those people that think they can sing and are oblivious to the fact that they can't carry a tune. It's so heartbreaking to watch. I would be just as devastated to find out that my writing sucks. That I have not an ounce of talent because it is something I truly love doing. So, I ignore it a lot and just don't do it. In this ever turning brain of mine I have this idea that if I don't do it long enough I will lose the desire to do it. Wrong. The idea is just that, an idea and the desire to write is never quenched. So, I guess I write good or bad and let my ever turning brain work things out eventually. :<)
I've changed the way I pray lately. Have you ever done that? Just change something in the way you approach God? Anyway, it's led to some discoveries about myself.
God really cares about me. He cares about my everyday life. I'll beat my head against the wall trying to figure things out or make things happen. Then I come to myself, buckle my knees and just ask for some help. "Order my steps Lord", I pray. Decision making is not something I do well. I do it all the time but it is mental torment for me to decide something and be o.k. with it. I have to know that what I am deciding is the absolute best thing. You can only imagine how many times my decisions are the "best" option. I watched though as the very things I have beat my head about simply work out once I reach outside myself. God hears me.
One of those decisions I've struggled with is my 5 yrs old daughters development. Her vocabulary is at the level of a 3 yr old and she has sensory/motor delays. It was easy for me to call on God when she was in the NICU unit and only had a 50% chance of survival. Those were things that were out of my hands. It's been easy to call on God when she was seizing or having surgery. It's not been so easy though when it has come to things I thought I should be able to control. Development. Isn't that a mom's job? Nothing I did worked. Every hoop I jumped through led me to frustration and waiting. Precious time is wasting, I would think. I was wasting precious time. I needed to make some tough decisions and I needed someone to help me make those decisions. So, again, I came to myself. "Order my steps Lord", I prayed. "Please help me. I'm afraid and I don't know what the best thing to do is." In the next few days I watched as people were put in my path that had information I could use to get us the help we needed. Phone calls came in that I had been waiting months on. Appointments set and therapy scheduled. I stood in awe. It was so easy. God heard me.
I opened my Bible the other day and came across this verse. Psalms 119:33 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. So, my prayer isn't anything new. The psalmist prayed it. I've decided that having my steps "ordered in His Word" is a wonderful thing. It brings peace to my troubled mind and rest to my soul. I pray this is a lesson learned. I'm such a stubborn soul though. Thankfully God is so patient and he will let me review my lesson as many times as it takes me to get it.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
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