I'm still alive

I haven't had much time for "me" lately. Actually, it's been a long time. Hannah requires so much care and attention that I'm just kind of meshed into her. I'm not sure there even is a me anymore. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I have NO ENERGY. I'm really struggling. It's always been a struggle but it seems since July things have just went into full nutso mode. Hannah had three status epileptus episodes that landed us in Cook Children's hospital. David's mom just kept going down hill and seemed content to sit in her chair and die. It has been emotionally taxing not to mention physically taxing.

Hannah has ALWAYS been a pleasant child. Ever since they put her on Keppra to control her seizures she's been a big blog of whine. She cries, melts down, doesn't cooperate, and is really starting to be a hand full. She has an appointment to see the epilepsy specialist in April. I'm so hoping he can help us. Keppra is known to cause behavior problems but it has done an excellent job at controlling her seizures. What do we do? Deal with and live with the behavior or risk another drug not controlling her seizures. I would give anything for one week of easy decisions or no decisions at all.

I'm really struggling in the weight department too. I just blew up after I had Hannah and have never managed to make any significant progress towards taking it off. I did last year early in the year but it was a time when I felt hopeful and since I have lost alot of that hopefulness I'm right back where I started weight wise. It's disgusting and embarassing. I want to do something about it, but I don't have the energy to even think half the time so how in the world would I ever come up with a plan and stick to it? I wish I just had someone that told me to eat this at this time and to do this at this time. I think the only way to go with people like me is personal trainer. Who can afford that?

There is so much that Hannah needs. Things that would make life easier for her. We are looking at the next 8 years of college tuition. Kyle and then Zachary. It's so overwhleming to even think about.

Last night at church a man came up to me and said, "you know the way "she"(Hannah) is, she'll go on into heaven and the only way you'll ever see her again is to make it there too." I guess I'm some awful sinner. If people knew how much I pray and how often I try to seek God's mind in all this stuff they'd stop all this ignorance about my salvation. I could have easily smacked the man, but what would that help. Nothing.

All in all, I am thankful for things. I really am. I'm thankful I still have Hannah. I'm thankful for my boys and David. I'm tired of all the trials but I'm not blaming God for any of it. I just thank him for the things I do have.

At any rate, I guess this was just a whine fest. I am so tired I don't even know where to end all this. I could go on for days if I let myself. I doubt anyone even looks at this blog anymore. LOL! That's o.k. It makes it a safe place. I'm still alive and kicking!