Sunday, July 22, 2007

So I'm being more reasonable....

Today I went to Sunday School. It's been weeks since I've been able to go. Our pastor spoke on how God may not remove a problem from our lives but he will make a way for us to live above it. It made sense to me. I've had a lot of problems in my life that have NEVER went away, but I've always been able to live above them. Even when I think my life sucks, if I realistically look at things, I've lived above it all. God has always made a way. And he's made that way in some really unique ways.

All through the worship service this morning I spoke with God. I love Him and I really think he knows that I do. I've been so angry though. Honestly, I've found myself reacting as a spoiled brat not getting what they want. I just found myself saying over and over, "I'm so angry." I felt him tell me, "I know you're angry Marcey. It's o.k. You'll see what I'm going to do with all this. Remember all the other times and how you've grown to see that I have cared and directed your path. Hang on to me Marcey. I want good for you. It's o.k. that your angry. I love you anyway." I really felt Him speak these things to my mind. It was awesome!

It all really comes down to making a choice to believe. I can choose to be bitter, angry, and spiteful because things are not happening the way I would have wanted them to, or I can choose to believe that God is good all the time regardless of my situation. Only one of those choices will help me make it through this life. The other breeds misery.

So, today, I'm choosing to look up and believe that God is good, and that he has a plan, and that his plan will be good regardless of the paths it takes to get there. It's the only way I can keep going.

Still Living and Learning....

Marcey

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Is God a Respecter of Persons????

It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I've been extremely busy, and have been writing elsewhere, taking classes, and being a wife and mom.

On Tuesday, July 11th, Hannah had a seizure after 2 1/2 years of being seizure free. I woke up, went in to check on Billie, and came to lay back down for a bit. That's when I heard a strange but vaguely familiar noise. I turned over to see Hannah laying face down on the bed, arms stiff to the side and she was seizing. I'm not sure how many she had while I was checking on Billie. It couldn't have been more than one or two because I was only gone about 5 minutes. I'm just so thankful that I decided to go lay back down. I don't want to even think about the other possibilities. Kyle came in and sat with her while I located the diastat. I administered it and the seizures did stop. After I knew she was safe and recovering, the roller coaster ride really bagan with calling doctors, pharmacies, etc. and waiting for return calls.

They upped her zonegran to 300 mg. She was a crab all week and weekend. I thought I was going nuts. Seriously. The bad thing is that you know she can't help it. It still doesn't make it easier to take. By Monday she was back to her old self thankfully. Now, we just have to keep our fingers crossed that the higher dose of zonegran works. I hate the thought of putting her back on topomax.

To say that I'm not struggling would be a lie. This is the place I don't have to lie right. I can say whatever I want. No fake happy faces here. I'm kind of surprised at the anger that I feel. It's not like me. I'm the eternal optimist. The one that always sees the sunny side of everything. The person who is first to remind themselves that there is always someone worse off than you are. Not right now, I'm not.

If I have to hear one more testimony of God's miraculous healings I will throw up. If one more person says to me that "maybe it was just a fluke", I will scream. If I hear again that "God must really think Hannah's special" I'm going to slap someone. If one more person tells me that you can't die from seizures I'm going to run away. I know people are only trying to help, but they aren't.

Epilepsy is a serious life altering disability. Yet, it's not recognized as a disability. An epileptic isn't protected under the Disability act. Therefore it makes it difficult for them to find a job or keep one. The "you can't die from epilepsy" is a foolish misguided fact. A person can die with epilepsy. It's called SUDEP. They have a seizure in their bed and there is no one there to intervene. They suffocate or seize so long that they have a heart attack or some other fatal problem.

I'm not mad that Hannah has epilepsy. In all honesty I can deal with that. I'm mad becuase I can't seem to catch a break. It's one thing after another. Hannah's had her share of pain already. Good Lord, I must be a terribly stupid person for God to put this much on me. What lesson am I not learning? I thought we finally caught one and then the same thing comes back for us to deal with all over again. It's just wrong! Aren't God's children supposed to be blessed? Oh, I forgot, it could be worse. In 6 wks, I had my son falsely arrested for a crime he did not commit, and I had to work and fight to get him cleared. Then I got a double ear infection, that knocked me flat on my back. The next week Billie falls, breaks her hip, has heart attacks while she's in the hospital, and has to spend a month in rehab. She gets out of rehab and comes home and can't do anything for herself. So, I have my special needs daughter and my mil to take care of. Then Hannah's seizures return. I'm waiting for the next disaster.

I sat in church on Sunday evening. David stayed home with everyone so I could get out. All I heard was the miraculous workings of God. I was not inspired. Instead I wanted to know what was wrong with me? Why did/does God do these things for these people and not me? What have I done that has turned his favor from me. Actually, I don't think I've ever had his favor. I felt God was a respector of persons. How am I supposed to believe that someone like that has my good in mind?

I just don't understand. I'm still praying. I'm asking God questions. If I get any answers I'll be sure to share them.