I need others....

I am going to attempt to write more than I have been. My life just seems to gain perspective when I'm writing.

Recently I've had many conversations about how I feel like I should be able to go life alone, or maybe not that I should be able to, but that I do not want people to help me. I have a hard time letting people care about me. I feel like I need to pay for people's care. That I need to repay every kindness bestowed upon me.

I do not expect those kinds of things from other people. I freely give my time, care, love, and resources. For some reason my brain just doesn't compute care being recipocal without repayment on my end. I can't grasp it.

Lately, I've had more care come my way than I will ever be able to repay. I mean it has come in buckets full, and there is no possible way that I can repay the kindness I've receieved in this lifetime. It's had me down because I want the ability to repay.

Last night we were in the livingroom and saw a broadcast of TD Jakes. He was preaching/teaching on the 5 demensions of faith. It was incredible, and spoke directly to me. The first comments I heard were about how we struggle and struggle with a situation because we want to fix it ourselves. We won't allow others to do what God moves them to do to help us. We stay proud and we miss God's provision because it's not the way we wanted it to come. I can't begin to give his comments the justice they deserve. Anyway, it pricked my heart.

I am not a let things happen person. I'm a make things happen person. Where my pride comes in is that in mind I think that if I dont' make them happen they won't or can't happen. I'm not sure how I got to that place, but it's not helping me. Somehow I have to learn to step back away from all the disappointment, hurt, and misunderstanding of my past, realize I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to do everything. That's why there are more people in the world besides me. I'm sad at how unforgiving and prideful I have found myself. I need other people. I need people to care about me, instruct me, love me, lead me. And I have to accept that the only payment I can make to them in return for what they do for me is to "pay it forward". I give what I have to give, care for those that I can care for, etc.

Man, if only I can get this stuff to sink into this thick head of mine.

Marcey