It's Sunday morning. I'm trying to decide whether I can manage church or not. I want to be able to but sometimes I just can't. The evidence of my loss is felt deeply as I get up and get myself dressed and ready. Hannah loved church. She loved getting dressed and putting on her pretty dress shoes. I still haven't washed her last Sunday morning dress yet. Her tights, slip, dress and shoes are still just where I left them when I took them off her. She loved the music and she enjoyed Bro. Strawn preaching. She'd look at me all through the service and say, "amen, that's right or halelujah". I remember the last service we were in I was so aggrevated at her because she was 8 years old and wanted to stand in the pew in front of us so she could see. I told David she'd be standing in that pew until she was 25 somewhat disgustedly. Man, I wish she were here now. I wouldn't care if she wanted to stand in the pew so she could see. I'd gladly stand with my arms protectedly wrapped around her while she sang and worshipped and watched those around her do the same. I miss that girl!

Yesterday was a really great day. I had a wonderful time with my guys. We laughed so hard that I am sore today. Kyle had his SAT test in Burleson yesterday. After we picked him up we had lunch together and had plenty of time to kill before we went to the Mav's game so we stopped in Best Buy and bought some things. After that we went to the Dallas Holocast museum. We all seem to love history and especially Jewish history so it was a nice family thing to do. It's a neat place and you'll leave there feeling both sad and inspired. Sad for what happened and inspired by the spirit of the people despite their circumstances. After that we went to a Mav's game and they lost. I still loved the game. I just like basketball.

Even though I had such fun and was really enjoying my time I had moments of great sadness. I kept thinking, "God, I'm having a good time, but I'd gladly give it up for some time with my girl". It's hard to feel happy. There's a guilt that comes with a good time now. It's difficult to explain. It's not that I don't think I deserve a good time, it's just that I keep thinking that she should be here. Hannah should be here. But she's not. She'll never be here again. I just have to keep breathing and if there is laughter present I have to let myself laugh. She loved to laugh and I think she had to be smiling down at her silly daddy and brothers last night. It's just hard.

I got a letter from her metabolic geneticist yesterday. All the genetic tests they did while she was in the hospital came back normal. I cried but tried not to let it ruin the day. That means that they did not find anything wrong. That also means that her epileptologist would have given her the diagnosis of Dravet syndrome. I can't help but feel a little angry. That diagnosis was way too long in coming. It might not have changed the outcome of what happened but it would have opened up a support system that I so could have used had we had it. I do have regrets. I wish I had just let my van go back or moved in with relatives or sold everything I owned and flew her to Chicago to the specialist. I shouldn't have let my guard down. She had done better before only to blindside me with a bad episode. I just wanted to give her a break from it all. I wanted her to have a few months with no poking, hosptitals, and mats in her hair from the EEG's. She was having so much fun and enjoying everything so much. I just wanted her to have a break so bad. It's hard when I look back. If I could change the outcome, yeah, I would have gone ahead with all the poking, proding, EEG's, and hospitalizations. However, if it wouldn't have changed the outcome I wouldn't take the last few months we had with her for anything. They were so precious and wonderful. We were able to enjoy her life so fully and that wouldn't have been possible in the hospital doing tests. So, I have to believe that it was Hannah's time and hold dear those last months I had with the most precious human being I'll ever know. I have to forgive myself for whatever "neglect" it is I think I may have committed. I have to let go of what was not in my control in the first place. My heart is so very thankful for Hannah and the years I had with her. I say that in sincerity. Although I am sad I am so very thankful for the time I had with my girl.

Sorry. I did not know when I began this blogging post that it was going to be so emotional. I thought I was just going to type about my day yesterday. Thanks for your prayers and support and please continue them. I need them.