I am going to attempt to write more than I have been. My life just seems to gain perspective when I'm writing.
Recently I've had many conversations about how I feel like I should be able to go life alone, or maybe not that I should be able to, but that I do not want people to help me. I have a hard time letting people care about me. I feel like I need to pay for people's care. That I need to repay every kindness bestowed upon me.
I do not expect those kinds of things from other people. I freely give my time, care, love, and resources. For some reason my brain just doesn't compute care being recipocal without repayment on my end. I can't grasp it.
Lately, I've had more care come my way than I will ever be able to repay. I mean it has come in buckets full, and there is no possible way that I can repay the kindness I've receieved in this lifetime. It's had me down because I want the ability to repay.
Last night we were in the livingroom and saw a broadcast of TD Jakes. He was preaching/teaching on the 5 demensions of faith. It was incredible, and spoke directly to me. The first comments I heard were about how we struggle and struggle with a situation because we want to fix it ourselves. We won't allow others to do what God moves them to do to help us. We stay proud and we miss God's provision because it's not the way we wanted it to come. I can't begin to give his comments the justice they deserve. Anyway, it pricked my heart.
I am not a let things happen person. I'm a make things happen person. Where my pride comes in is that in mind I think that if I dont' make them happen they won't or can't happen. I'm not sure how I got to that place, but it's not helping me. Somehow I have to learn to step back away from all the disappointment, hurt, and misunderstanding of my past, realize I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to do everything. That's why there are more people in the world besides me. I'm sad at how unforgiving and prideful I have found myself. I need other people. I need people to care about me, instruct me, love me, lead me. And I have to accept that the only payment I can make to them in return for what they do for me is to "pay it forward". I give what I have to give, care for those that I can care for, etc.
Man, if only I can get this stuff to sink into this thick head of mine.
Marcey
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Still a living and learning...
It's been forever since I blogged. My life is just so much less stressful when I'm writing. What's been happening in my life? Well, let's see....ALOT.
I finished my first year of college. It was very interesting, challenging, and alot of fun. My GPA is a 4.0 to this point. I enjoyed my hand at tutoring in Math (not my favorite subject). The ladies were awesome "students" though, and I had a blast doing it! By the finals I had my own little classroom to do my "teaching" in. It was awesome! I ended this semester with a 5k walk. It was incredible. So, my first year was a success, I believe. I'm taking the summer off to entertain Hannah and take a trip with David to Switzerland.
Yeah, you read right. I'm heading to Switzerland with David in July. I can hardly believe it. I'm a nervous wreck because I will be leaving Hannah and going across the world for an entire week. I'll never forgive myself if something happens to her while I'm away. I tried to find every excuse not to go, but it didn't work out. Every obstacle I put in place was overcome one way or the other. So, here I sit resigned to the fact that I am going to Switzerland. A dream trip for most people. Even for me. There is just so much uncertainty in my life, that I'm not sure I'll enjoy it. I will try.
Hannah will finish her first full year of school. She was diagnosed with autism and she's learning more and more everyday. Kyle will be finishing his sophmore year and next year will be in the AVID program which means he'll be at the college for most of his courses. He'll get both college and high school credit for them. It will be very possible for him to graduate high school with an associates degree. Oh, and of course he'll be driving soon too. Zach just got back from a trip to DC, NYC, etc. He will graduate from 8th grade this year. So, next year he'll begin his high school adventures. So hard to believe. The kids are all doing really well, and I'm proud of them all. Oh, they're mouthy teenagers, but so was I so you reap what you sow right?
David is still the IT manager at Harwood. He just bought a brand new car. It's a baby blue Kia Spectra. At least I think it's a spectra.
We're looking at houses to buy. Maybe even relocating closer to the Dallas area. Of course the guys aren't liking that idea too much, but gas is killing us financially. I've spoke with the Red Oak school district and they have a pretty impressive special needs program. Hillsboro has been great, but it's a poor district with little money to do anything for it's special needs program. Anyway, it's something we're looking into. We'll have to have a bigger house when we get the dog because Hannah will need a full size bed so the dog can sleep with her, and we'll have to have a fenced in yard too.
So, that's a little of what's going on. I'm still a living and a learning....
Marcey
I finished my first year of college. It was very interesting, challenging, and alot of fun. My GPA is a 4.0 to this point. I enjoyed my hand at tutoring in Math (not my favorite subject). The ladies were awesome "students" though, and I had a blast doing it! By the finals I had my own little classroom to do my "teaching" in. It was awesome! I ended this semester with a 5k walk. It was incredible. So, my first year was a success, I believe. I'm taking the summer off to entertain Hannah and take a trip with David to Switzerland.
Yeah, you read right. I'm heading to Switzerland with David in July. I can hardly believe it. I'm a nervous wreck because I will be leaving Hannah and going across the world for an entire week. I'll never forgive myself if something happens to her while I'm away. I tried to find every excuse not to go, but it didn't work out. Every obstacle I put in place was overcome one way or the other. So, here I sit resigned to the fact that I am going to Switzerland. A dream trip for most people. Even for me. There is just so much uncertainty in my life, that I'm not sure I'll enjoy it. I will try.
Hannah will finish her first full year of school. She was diagnosed with autism and she's learning more and more everyday. Kyle will be finishing his sophmore year and next year will be in the AVID program which means he'll be at the college for most of his courses. He'll get both college and high school credit for them. It will be very possible for him to graduate high school with an associates degree. Oh, and of course he'll be driving soon too. Zach just got back from a trip to DC, NYC, etc. He will graduate from 8th grade this year. So, next year he'll begin his high school adventures. So hard to believe. The kids are all doing really well, and I'm proud of them all. Oh, they're mouthy teenagers, but so was I so you reap what you sow right?
David is still the IT manager at Harwood. He just bought a brand new car. It's a baby blue Kia Spectra. At least I think it's a spectra.
We're looking at houses to buy. Maybe even relocating closer to the Dallas area. Of course the guys aren't liking that idea too much, but gas is killing us financially. I've spoke with the Red Oak school district and they have a pretty impressive special needs program. Hillsboro has been great, but it's a poor district with little money to do anything for it's special needs program. Anyway, it's something we're looking into. We'll have to have a bigger house when we get the dog because Hannah will need a full size bed so the dog can sleep with her, and we'll have to have a fenced in yard too.
So, that's a little of what's going on. I'm still a living and a learning....
Marcey
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Facing My Giants...
Today I watched the movie, "Facing the Giants". It was a really good movie. I know that many people viewed it and felt inspired and encouraged. Unfortunately I'm in a place spiritually and emotionally where that is not what I left the movie with. I am discouraged.
Don't get me wrong. I was happy for the coach, his wife, the team and all the other folks in the movie that saw God work in their lives. My problem with the whole thing is that what about the masses of people out here who do all the right things and don't get the results that those people had. How do you think they felt after watching the movie?
I struggle. I know God is good. I do. I just don't know what I think or believe anymore concerning his ability or choice to do good. I'm in a place where it really looks like God gets to choose who he shows favor to. He gets to do what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. I do realize that I as a human have to accept that, and I guess I'll never understand. I've been told I'm not supposed to understand. I have to just accept that God is God and that he is good regardless of what is going on in my life. I've done that. There has to be something I'm not getting though. I mean, I don't expect God to change my circumstances. I understand that whatever is going on is his will. At least I think I understand. That doesn't mean I like it. But I do accept it. I just wish I could get the peace and grace that comes with that acceptance. How do I do that?
Part of me says to get over myself, "Quit acting like a spoiled brat Marcey". The other part of me is saying, "hello! I've had my share. Can you cut me a slack?" I don't know how people do it. I can't control myself. I used to could, but lately I feel like I want to just throw a hissy fit. Ugggh! This is just not me. I'm not myself.
This has to be a season. I'm really hoping and praying for a break in the new year. I'd do anything to get that.
Enough of my rambling tonight.....
Don't get me wrong. I was happy for the coach, his wife, the team and all the other folks in the movie that saw God work in their lives. My problem with the whole thing is that what about the masses of people out here who do all the right things and don't get the results that those people had. How do you think they felt after watching the movie?
I struggle. I know God is good. I do. I just don't know what I think or believe anymore concerning his ability or choice to do good. I'm in a place where it really looks like God gets to choose who he shows favor to. He gets to do what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. I do realize that I as a human have to accept that, and I guess I'll never understand. I've been told I'm not supposed to understand. I have to just accept that God is God and that he is good regardless of what is going on in my life. I've done that. There has to be something I'm not getting though. I mean, I don't expect God to change my circumstances. I understand that whatever is going on is his will. At least I think I understand. That doesn't mean I like it. But I do accept it. I just wish I could get the peace and grace that comes with that acceptance. How do I do that?
Part of me says to get over myself, "Quit acting like a spoiled brat Marcey". The other part of me is saying, "hello! I've had my share. Can you cut me a slack?" I don't know how people do it. I can't control myself. I used to could, but lately I feel like I want to just throw a hissy fit. Ugggh! This is just not me. I'm not myself.
This has to be a season. I'm really hoping and praying for a break in the new year. I'd do anything to get that.
Enough of my rambling tonight.....
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Happy Birthday To Me....
Yeah, it's my birthday. My 37th one. Just 3 more years and I'll hit the big 40. LOL!
My life certainly doesn't look the way I had imagined. In some ways it's been disappointing, but in other ways it's far better than I had hoped. It's been a hard road. Seemingly a constant hard road, but just the other day David and I were watching videos of the boys when they were little, and although that time in our life was engulfed in conflict, there were some beautiful times that I wouldn't trade for the world. Yesterday Hannah woke me up singing "wake up little blue bird". I'll hold the sound of her little voice in my memory forever, I hope. The boys are fastly approaching manhood. It's neat and scary to watch. I do worry what kind of men they will be. David and I are getting along better than ever. We still get on each others nerves but some of the very things that used to drive me nuts about him, so endear him to me now. For instance, his corny sense of humor, oh how I'd cringe when he'd try to be funny. I never got the jokes. Now, it's adorable and I laugh whether I get them or not. It's interesting how life changes. Life is really like a book with many chapters.
I think more than anything, things that used to be so important just aren't that important in the scope of things. Things I convinced myself I couldn't do, I now see that I'm the only one stopping me.
I'm really looking forward to the future. I know that without a doubt I'll have some pretty yucky days, weeks, or months come along. Bad days are always around the corner. What better reason can I possibly have to live the good days, weeks, and months to the fullest though. I'm ready to participate in life instead of standing around watching it happen.
So, Happy Birthday to Me......
My life certainly doesn't look the way I had imagined. In some ways it's been disappointing, but in other ways it's far better than I had hoped. It's been a hard road. Seemingly a constant hard road, but just the other day David and I were watching videos of the boys when they were little, and although that time in our life was engulfed in conflict, there were some beautiful times that I wouldn't trade for the world. Yesterday Hannah woke me up singing "wake up little blue bird". I'll hold the sound of her little voice in my memory forever, I hope. The boys are fastly approaching manhood. It's neat and scary to watch. I do worry what kind of men they will be. David and I are getting along better than ever. We still get on each others nerves but some of the very things that used to drive me nuts about him, so endear him to me now. For instance, his corny sense of humor, oh how I'd cringe when he'd try to be funny. I never got the jokes. Now, it's adorable and I laugh whether I get them or not. It's interesting how life changes. Life is really like a book with many chapters.
I think more than anything, things that used to be so important just aren't that important in the scope of things. Things I convinced myself I couldn't do, I now see that I'm the only one stopping me.
I'm really looking forward to the future. I know that without a doubt I'll have some pretty yucky days, weeks, or months come along. Bad days are always around the corner. What better reason can I possibly have to live the good days, weeks, and months to the fullest though. I'm ready to participate in life instead of standing around watching it happen.
So, Happy Birthday to Me......
Monday, October 29, 2007
Some Pictures...
Hannah having her EEG
Hannah Playing around with a bowl. She is fascinated with looking through things.
Kyle, David, and Hannah Easter 2007
Hannah being silly and playing in my laundry basket
This is Kyle the Chatman ChapmanZach never lets me take his picture. The TURKEY! I'll try to get one of him soon.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
I'll Be Up Again...
Life keeps happening. That's a good thing, right?
I'll be through with my first semester of college in a little over a month. It's the new love of my life. Seriously, I am addicted to the feeling I get sitting in a classroom. Definitely something I hope to get to continue doing. Who knows, I may end up with a doctorate one day. LOL!
I've been challenged to change my thinking. My stinky thinking, that is. These are my ponderings. Can you change your thoughts with just a decision to believe differently? Aren't changes made after a decision that a change is needed? So, why wouldn't changing the way you think start with a decision to do so? I think I make things harder than they really are sometimes. I say I want out of the pit, but when all I have to do is make a simple decision, I find every reason, make every excuse, why that can't happen. It's all about comfort, don't you think? We live in the pit so long that we make it home. We decorate it, add our possessions, maybe even make some memories there. It becomes tolerable, even comfortable. The whole time we're there we're complaining about it, but by our actions we're accepting, even embracing it. It becomes comfortable, and the outside becomes a really scary place. We say we want out, and we expect other people to pull us out. We want them to share their methods, put forth great effort to help us. You know, there are no methods or efforts that will work if we don't decide to get out. It's ultimately up to us.
I've had my share of obstacles in this life, and believe me, I can almost guarantee there are more around the corner, and the next corner, and the next....You get my point. Obstacles are not going to change, and you can't stop life from happening. So, what do I do? I think what I need to realize is that, I'll be up again. The pits only temporary. Everyday is not a bad day. There are plenty of good days in between. So, when there is a bad day, I need to think/say..."I'll be up again" And instead of staying in the pit long enough to make it comfortable, I need to get off my butt and get out.
An old song..."I'll be Up again"
I'll be up again
Just you wait and see
Bad times won't keep me down
They'll just send me to my knees
And there while I'm in prayer
I will sing the victory song
And I'll be up again
Where I belong
Rejoice not against me
OH my enemies
When I Fall
I shall Arise
Rejoice not against me
Oh my enemies
When I'm in the night
The Lord will be My Light
This probably makes no sense to anyone but myself, but hey, that's o.k. It did what it was supposed to. I have a little more clarity in my thoughts today.
Living and learning
Marcey
I'll be through with my first semester of college in a little over a month. It's the new love of my life. Seriously, I am addicted to the feeling I get sitting in a classroom. Definitely something I hope to get to continue doing. Who knows, I may end up with a doctorate one day. LOL!
I've been challenged to change my thinking. My stinky thinking, that is. These are my ponderings. Can you change your thoughts with just a decision to believe differently? Aren't changes made after a decision that a change is needed? So, why wouldn't changing the way you think start with a decision to do so? I think I make things harder than they really are sometimes. I say I want out of the pit, but when all I have to do is make a simple decision, I find every reason, make every excuse, why that can't happen. It's all about comfort, don't you think? We live in the pit so long that we make it home. We decorate it, add our possessions, maybe even make some memories there. It becomes tolerable, even comfortable. The whole time we're there we're complaining about it, but by our actions we're accepting, even embracing it. It becomes comfortable, and the outside becomes a really scary place. We say we want out, and we expect other people to pull us out. We want them to share their methods, put forth great effort to help us. You know, there are no methods or efforts that will work if we don't decide to get out. It's ultimately up to us.
I've had my share of obstacles in this life, and believe me, I can almost guarantee there are more around the corner, and the next corner, and the next....You get my point. Obstacles are not going to change, and you can't stop life from happening. So, what do I do? I think what I need to realize is that, I'll be up again. The pits only temporary. Everyday is not a bad day. There are plenty of good days in between. So, when there is a bad day, I need to think/say..."I'll be up again" And instead of staying in the pit long enough to make it comfortable, I need to get off my butt and get out.
An old song..."I'll be Up again"
I'll be up again
Just you wait and see
Bad times won't keep me down
They'll just send me to my knees
And there while I'm in prayer
I will sing the victory song
And I'll be up again
Where I belong
Rejoice not against me
OH my enemies
When I Fall
I shall Arise
Rejoice not against me
Oh my enemies
When I'm in the night
The Lord will be My Light
This probably makes no sense to anyone but myself, but hey, that's o.k. It did what it was supposed to. I have a little more clarity in my thoughts today.
Living and learning
Marcey
Friday, August 24, 2007
So, I'm going to do it...
Well, on Monday I will attend my first classes at our community college. I NEVER thought I could or would do this and I'm still not sure I can. LOL! It has always been something I wanted to do.
A few months ago I took a Life/Career class and it was really very helpful. I've got my husband scheduled to take it starting in October. I am excited for him because I know it will be so helpful.
Anyway, I am going to college and basically entered as a psych major. My goal when I am done is to be able to teach parents about the different disorders their child has once they've been diagnosed and then lead those parents to the resources that will help them and their children. As well as I would like to work with women who have been in past or present abusive situations. So, basically I want to teach, I guess but not in school. I want to teach individuals or small groups. Are you shocked?
So, the kids and I all start school on Monday. Hannah is so ready to go back. She also starts back at Baylor on Monday. The first 3 1/2 weeks will be maddening because I have to take orientation but after that things will be less hectic.
Life is ever changing. Thankfully. Even if you don't like change there's no way you could possibly want you life to stay the same forever. I'd be so totally bored.
For Now....
Marcey
A few months ago I took a Life/Career class and it was really very helpful. I've got my husband scheduled to take it starting in October. I am excited for him because I know it will be so helpful.
Anyway, I am going to college and basically entered as a psych major. My goal when I am done is to be able to teach parents about the different disorders their child has once they've been diagnosed and then lead those parents to the resources that will help them and their children. As well as I would like to work with women who have been in past or present abusive situations. So, basically I want to teach, I guess but not in school. I want to teach individuals or small groups. Are you shocked?
So, the kids and I all start school on Monday. Hannah is so ready to go back. She also starts back at Baylor on Monday. The first 3 1/2 weeks will be maddening because I have to take orientation but after that things will be less hectic.
Life is ever changing. Thankfully. Even if you don't like change there's no way you could possibly want you life to stay the same forever. I'd be so totally bored.
For Now....
Marcey
Sunday, July 22, 2007
So I'm being more reasonable....
Today I went to Sunday School. It's been weeks since I've been able to go. Our pastor spoke on how God may not remove a problem from our lives but he will make a way for us to live above it. It made sense to me. I've had a lot of problems in my life that have NEVER went away, but I've always been able to live above them. Even when I think my life sucks, if I realistically look at things, I've lived above it all. God has always made a way. And he's made that way in some really unique ways.
All through the worship service this morning I spoke with God. I love Him and I really think he knows that I do. I've been so angry though. Honestly, I've found myself reacting as a spoiled brat not getting what they want. I just found myself saying over and over, "I'm so angry." I felt him tell me, "I know you're angry Marcey. It's o.k. You'll see what I'm going to do with all this. Remember all the other times and how you've grown to see that I have cared and directed your path. Hang on to me Marcey. I want good for you. It's o.k. that your angry. I love you anyway." I really felt Him speak these things to my mind. It was awesome!
It all really comes down to making a choice to believe. I can choose to be bitter, angry, and spiteful because things are not happening the way I would have wanted them to, or I can choose to believe that God is good all the time regardless of my situation. Only one of those choices will help me make it through this life. The other breeds misery.
So, today, I'm choosing to look up and believe that God is good, and that he has a plan, and that his plan will be good regardless of the paths it takes to get there. It's the only way I can keep going.
Still Living and Learning....
Marcey
All through the worship service this morning I spoke with God. I love Him and I really think he knows that I do. I've been so angry though. Honestly, I've found myself reacting as a spoiled brat not getting what they want. I just found myself saying over and over, "I'm so angry." I felt him tell me, "I know you're angry Marcey. It's o.k. You'll see what I'm going to do with all this. Remember all the other times and how you've grown to see that I have cared and directed your path. Hang on to me Marcey. I want good for you. It's o.k. that your angry. I love you anyway." I really felt Him speak these things to my mind. It was awesome!
It all really comes down to making a choice to believe. I can choose to be bitter, angry, and spiteful because things are not happening the way I would have wanted them to, or I can choose to believe that God is good all the time regardless of my situation. Only one of those choices will help me make it through this life. The other breeds misery.
So, today, I'm choosing to look up and believe that God is good, and that he has a plan, and that his plan will be good regardless of the paths it takes to get there. It's the only way I can keep going.
Still Living and Learning....
Marcey
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Is God a Respecter of Persons????
It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I've been extremely busy, and have been writing elsewhere, taking classes, and being a wife and mom.
On Tuesday, July 11th, Hannah had a seizure after 2 1/2 years of being seizure free. I woke up, went in to check on Billie, and came to lay back down for a bit. That's when I heard a strange but vaguely familiar noise. I turned over to see Hannah laying face down on the bed, arms stiff to the side and she was seizing. I'm not sure how many she had while I was checking on Billie. It couldn't have been more than one or two because I was only gone about 5 minutes. I'm just so thankful that I decided to go lay back down. I don't want to even think about the other possibilities. Kyle came in and sat with her while I located the diastat. I administered it and the seizures did stop. After I knew she was safe and recovering, the roller coaster ride really bagan with calling doctors, pharmacies, etc. and waiting for return calls.
They upped her zonegran to 300 mg. She was a crab all week and weekend. I thought I was going nuts. Seriously. The bad thing is that you know she can't help it. It still doesn't make it easier to take. By Monday she was back to her old self thankfully. Now, we just have to keep our fingers crossed that the higher dose of zonegran works. I hate the thought of putting her back on topomax.
To say that I'm not struggling would be a lie. This is the place I don't have to lie right. I can say whatever I want. No fake happy faces here. I'm kind of surprised at the anger that I feel. It's not like me. I'm the eternal optimist. The one that always sees the sunny side of everything. The person who is first to remind themselves that there is always someone worse off than you are. Not right now, I'm not.
If I have to hear one more testimony of God's miraculous healings I will throw up. If one more person says to me that "maybe it was just a fluke", I will scream. If I hear again that "God must really think Hannah's special" I'm going to slap someone. If one more person tells me that you can't die from seizures I'm going to run away. I know people are only trying to help, but they aren't.
Epilepsy is a serious life altering disability. Yet, it's not recognized as a disability. An epileptic isn't protected under the Disability act. Therefore it makes it difficult for them to find a job or keep one. The "you can't die from epilepsy" is a foolish misguided fact. A person can die with epilepsy. It's called SUDEP. They have a seizure in their bed and there is no one there to intervene. They suffocate or seize so long that they have a heart attack or some other fatal problem.
I'm not mad that Hannah has epilepsy. In all honesty I can deal with that. I'm mad becuase I can't seem to catch a break. It's one thing after another. Hannah's had her share of pain already. Good Lord, I must be a terribly stupid person for God to put this much on me. What lesson am I not learning? I thought we finally caught one and then the same thing comes back for us to deal with all over again. It's just wrong! Aren't God's children supposed to be blessed? Oh, I forgot, it could be worse. In 6 wks, I had my son falsely arrested for a crime he did not commit, and I had to work and fight to get him cleared. Then I got a double ear infection, that knocked me flat on my back. The next week Billie falls, breaks her hip, has heart attacks while she's in the hospital, and has to spend a month in rehab. She gets out of rehab and comes home and can't do anything for herself. So, I have my special needs daughter and my mil to take care of. Then Hannah's seizures return. I'm waiting for the next disaster.
I sat in church on Sunday evening. David stayed home with everyone so I could get out. All I heard was the miraculous workings of God. I was not inspired. Instead I wanted to know what was wrong with me? Why did/does God do these things for these people and not me? What have I done that has turned his favor from me. Actually, I don't think I've ever had his favor. I felt God was a respector of persons. How am I supposed to believe that someone like that has my good in mind?
I just don't understand. I'm still praying. I'm asking God questions. If I get any answers I'll be sure to share them.
On Tuesday, July 11th, Hannah had a seizure after 2 1/2 years of being seizure free. I woke up, went in to check on Billie, and came to lay back down for a bit. That's when I heard a strange but vaguely familiar noise. I turned over to see Hannah laying face down on the bed, arms stiff to the side and she was seizing. I'm not sure how many she had while I was checking on Billie. It couldn't have been more than one or two because I was only gone about 5 minutes. I'm just so thankful that I decided to go lay back down. I don't want to even think about the other possibilities. Kyle came in and sat with her while I located the diastat. I administered it and the seizures did stop. After I knew she was safe and recovering, the roller coaster ride really bagan with calling doctors, pharmacies, etc. and waiting for return calls.
They upped her zonegran to 300 mg. She was a crab all week and weekend. I thought I was going nuts. Seriously. The bad thing is that you know she can't help it. It still doesn't make it easier to take. By Monday she was back to her old self thankfully. Now, we just have to keep our fingers crossed that the higher dose of zonegran works. I hate the thought of putting her back on topomax.
To say that I'm not struggling would be a lie. This is the place I don't have to lie right. I can say whatever I want. No fake happy faces here. I'm kind of surprised at the anger that I feel. It's not like me. I'm the eternal optimist. The one that always sees the sunny side of everything. The person who is first to remind themselves that there is always someone worse off than you are. Not right now, I'm not.
If I have to hear one more testimony of God's miraculous healings I will throw up. If one more person says to me that "maybe it was just a fluke", I will scream. If I hear again that "God must really think Hannah's special" I'm going to slap someone. If one more person tells me that you can't die from seizures I'm going to run away. I know people are only trying to help, but they aren't.
Epilepsy is a serious life altering disability. Yet, it's not recognized as a disability. An epileptic isn't protected under the Disability act. Therefore it makes it difficult for them to find a job or keep one. The "you can't die from epilepsy" is a foolish misguided fact. A person can die with epilepsy. It's called SUDEP. They have a seizure in their bed and there is no one there to intervene. They suffocate or seize so long that they have a heart attack or some other fatal problem.
I'm not mad that Hannah has epilepsy. In all honesty I can deal with that. I'm mad becuase I can't seem to catch a break. It's one thing after another. Hannah's had her share of pain already. Good Lord, I must be a terribly stupid person for God to put this much on me. What lesson am I not learning? I thought we finally caught one and then the same thing comes back for us to deal with all over again. It's just wrong! Aren't God's children supposed to be blessed? Oh, I forgot, it could be worse. In 6 wks, I had my son falsely arrested for a crime he did not commit, and I had to work and fight to get him cleared. Then I got a double ear infection, that knocked me flat on my back. The next week Billie falls, breaks her hip, has heart attacks while she's in the hospital, and has to spend a month in rehab. She gets out of rehab and comes home and can't do anything for herself. So, I have my special needs daughter and my mil to take care of. Then Hannah's seizures return. I'm waiting for the next disaster.
I sat in church on Sunday evening. David stayed home with everyone so I could get out. All I heard was the miraculous workings of God. I was not inspired. Instead I wanted to know what was wrong with me? Why did/does God do these things for these people and not me? What have I done that has turned his favor from me. Actually, I don't think I've ever had his favor. I felt God was a respector of persons. How am I supposed to believe that someone like that has my good in mind?
I just don't understand. I'm still praying. I'm asking God questions. If I get any answers I'll be sure to share them.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Alot happening...
Since my last pity post so much has transpired. Hannah is in school. She was admitted into the PPCD(Public Pre-school for Children with Disabilities) program at our local public school. There she can recieve services and we don't pay out of pocket for them. Our tax dollars pay for them. Big relief.
I finally just reached beyond myself and so many people contributed to the process. Either by helping me find the right avenues or encouraging me to keep going. We really need each other. The end result has been a good one. We have an educational team set up and they have been great. The teacher and I email back and forth. The nurse was amazing. Everyone was.
This really takes some pressure off me. I have felt the lone burden of educating Hannah and getting the help she needs to succeed. That's a really tall order for one person. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and caused me to put myself out there more than I would have otherwise. I'm definately experiencing continued growth as a person. I've stretched myself more than I ever thought possible and know that I will be stretched even more as the process continues. I'm willing.
Hannah's first week came to an end and she did amazing. I recieved an email from her teacher thanking us for sharing her with them and telling me that Hannah adjusted better than any of her kids ever have the first week. She said we should be proud of her and we are. I think her daddy is the most proud of his princess. She really did do well. I'm so incredibly thankful.
God's blessing to all of you! You're really appreciated by this family. I hope you know that.
I finally just reached beyond myself and so many people contributed to the process. Either by helping me find the right avenues or encouraging me to keep going. We really need each other. The end result has been a good one. We have an educational team set up and they have been great. The teacher and I email back and forth. The nurse was amazing. Everyone was.
This really takes some pressure off me. I have felt the lone burden of educating Hannah and getting the help she needs to succeed. That's a really tall order for one person. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and caused me to put myself out there more than I would have otherwise. I'm definately experiencing continued growth as a person. I've stretched myself more than I ever thought possible and know that I will be stretched even more as the process continues. I'm willing.
Hannah's first week came to an end and she did amazing. I recieved an email from her teacher thanking us for sharing her with them and telling me that Hannah adjusted better than any of her kids ever have the first week. She said we should be proud of her and we are. I think her daddy is the most proud of his princess. She really did do well. I'm so incredibly thankful.
God's blessing to all of you! You're really appreciated by this family. I hope you know that.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
A Bad Day...
I'm typing here. No one will see it anyway. I think people are tired of all my problems. I know I am. Nothing too serious. Just life. But still...
I know life isn't fair. I just wish something could be easy for me. Just once. I can feel myself spiraling and I'm doing all the things to keep it from happening but it just isn't working.
I read an article today about "grieving". It was about how parents grieve their children's disabilites, etc. I think it's true. I know I grieve and wonder if I ever won't. And then I feel just awful because I should be more thankful. I mean, Hannah's alive. The alternative is so much worse. I can't imagine life without her.
Really, no parent should have to go through this and I know parents who have it much worse than we have. Children shouldn't have to go through this. What can possibly be gained from the inability to function on a normal level with your peers. It's heartbreaking.
I find myself questioning God one moment and crying out to him the next. My mind is so confused. Why? I mean, I can understand ONE thing, but one thing after another and another. It's so unfair. There I go using that word again. Sigh!
I just need some answers. Just some guidance. I'm tired of fumbling my way through this developmental maze. There just seems to be no answers. Why is it such a fight? I just dont' get it. Developmental delays are prevalent. It's unreal.
I'm just so weary. But it doesn't matter because I HAVE to keep going. I'm a parent of a child with "special needs". No rest for the weary.
I know life isn't fair. I just wish something could be easy for me. Just once. I can feel myself spiraling and I'm doing all the things to keep it from happening but it just isn't working.
I read an article today about "grieving". It was about how parents grieve their children's disabilites, etc. I think it's true. I know I grieve and wonder if I ever won't. And then I feel just awful because I should be more thankful. I mean, Hannah's alive. The alternative is so much worse. I can't imagine life without her.
Really, no parent should have to go through this and I know parents who have it much worse than we have. Children shouldn't have to go through this. What can possibly be gained from the inability to function on a normal level with your peers. It's heartbreaking.
I find myself questioning God one moment and crying out to him the next. My mind is so confused. Why? I mean, I can understand ONE thing, but one thing after another and another. It's so unfair. There I go using that word again. Sigh!
I just need some answers. Just some guidance. I'm tired of fumbling my way through this developmental maze. There just seems to be no answers. Why is it such a fight? I just dont' get it. Developmental delays are prevalent. It's unreal.
I'm just so weary. But it doesn't matter because I HAVE to keep going. I'm a parent of a child with "special needs". No rest for the weary.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Order My Steps...
It's been way too long since I posted or even attempted to write. I struggle so much with writing and it's really something I enjoy doing. I more than enjoy it. I love it.
I'm afraid the thing I love to do is not something I'm good at doing. You know, most of us have seen the "American Idol" auditions and those people that think they can sing and are oblivious to the fact that they can't carry a tune. It's so heartbreaking to watch. I would be just as devastated to find out that my writing sucks. That I have not an ounce of talent because it is something I truly love doing. So, I ignore it a lot and just don't do it. In this ever turning brain of mine I have this idea that if I don't do it long enough I will lose the desire to do it. Wrong. The idea is just that, an idea and the desire to write is never quenched. So, I guess I write good or bad and let my ever turning brain work things out eventually. :<)
I've changed the way I pray lately. Have you ever done that? Just change something in the way you approach God? Anyway, it's led to some discoveries about myself.
God really cares about me. He cares about my everyday life. I'll beat my head against the wall trying to figure things out or make things happen. Then I come to myself, buckle my knees and just ask for some help. "Order my steps Lord", I pray. Decision making is not something I do well. I do it all the time but it is mental torment for me to decide something and be o.k. with it. I have to know that what I am deciding is the absolute best thing. You can only imagine how many times my decisions are the "best" option. I watched though as the very things I have beat my head about simply work out once I reach outside myself. God hears me.
One of those decisions I've struggled with is my 5 yrs old daughters development. Her vocabulary is at the level of a 3 yr old and she has sensory/motor delays. It was easy for me to call on God when she was in the NICU unit and only had a 50% chance of survival. Those were things that were out of my hands. It's been easy to call on God when she was seizing or having surgery. It's not been so easy though when it has come to things I thought I should be able to control. Development. Isn't that a mom's job? Nothing I did worked. Every hoop I jumped through led me to frustration and waiting. Precious time is wasting, I would think. I was wasting precious time. I needed to make some tough decisions and I needed someone to help me make those decisions. So, again, I came to myself. "Order my steps Lord", I prayed. "Please help me. I'm afraid and I don't know what the best thing to do is." In the next few days I watched as people were put in my path that had information I could use to get us the help we needed. Phone calls came in that I had been waiting months on. Appointments set and therapy scheduled. I stood in awe. It was so easy. God heard me.
I opened my Bible the other day and came across this verse. Psalms 119:33 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. So, my prayer isn't anything new. The psalmist prayed it. I've decided that having my steps "ordered in His Word" is a wonderful thing. It brings peace to my troubled mind and rest to my soul. I pray this is a lesson learned. I'm such a stubborn soul though. Thankfully God is so patient and he will let me review my lesson as many times as it takes me to get it.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
I'm afraid the thing I love to do is not something I'm good at doing. You know, most of us have seen the "American Idol" auditions and those people that think they can sing and are oblivious to the fact that they can't carry a tune. It's so heartbreaking to watch. I would be just as devastated to find out that my writing sucks. That I have not an ounce of talent because it is something I truly love doing. So, I ignore it a lot and just don't do it. In this ever turning brain of mine I have this idea that if I don't do it long enough I will lose the desire to do it. Wrong. The idea is just that, an idea and the desire to write is never quenched. So, I guess I write good or bad and let my ever turning brain work things out eventually. :<)
I've changed the way I pray lately. Have you ever done that? Just change something in the way you approach God? Anyway, it's led to some discoveries about myself.
God really cares about me. He cares about my everyday life. I'll beat my head against the wall trying to figure things out or make things happen. Then I come to myself, buckle my knees and just ask for some help. "Order my steps Lord", I pray. Decision making is not something I do well. I do it all the time but it is mental torment for me to decide something and be o.k. with it. I have to know that what I am deciding is the absolute best thing. You can only imagine how many times my decisions are the "best" option. I watched though as the very things I have beat my head about simply work out once I reach outside myself. God hears me.
One of those decisions I've struggled with is my 5 yrs old daughters development. Her vocabulary is at the level of a 3 yr old and she has sensory/motor delays. It was easy for me to call on God when she was in the NICU unit and only had a 50% chance of survival. Those were things that were out of my hands. It's been easy to call on God when she was seizing or having surgery. It's not been so easy though when it has come to things I thought I should be able to control. Development. Isn't that a mom's job? Nothing I did worked. Every hoop I jumped through led me to frustration and waiting. Precious time is wasting, I would think. I was wasting precious time. I needed to make some tough decisions and I needed someone to help me make those decisions. So, again, I came to myself. "Order my steps Lord", I prayed. "Please help me. I'm afraid and I don't know what the best thing to do is." In the next few days I watched as people were put in my path that had information I could use to get us the help we needed. Phone calls came in that I had been waiting months on. Appointments set and therapy scheduled. I stood in awe. It was so easy. God heard me.
I opened my Bible the other day and came across this verse. Psalms 119:33 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. So, my prayer isn't anything new. The psalmist prayed it. I've decided that having my steps "ordered in His Word" is a wonderful thing. It brings peace to my troubled mind and rest to my soul. I pray this is a lesson learned. I'm such a stubborn soul though. Thankfully God is so patient and he will let me review my lesson as many times as it takes me to get it.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Friday, September 22, 2006
Ponderings...
It's been a while since I posted here. I got a boost last night and well, here I am.
Speaking of last night, we had an artist way reunion. The ladies from my second group met. It was alot of fun and I was so excited to see everyone. I love hearing about everyone's lives, family, and interests. I was a little sad when I left because I realized that was probably the last time I'd see any of them. The only bummer I found to attending groups is that when they are over people lose touch.
Life has been so hectic lately. I took on schooling Hannah. I just couldn't be satisfied with our options for her and well, I'm hoping I can cater to her learning style and needs more easily. We did join a MOPS group that meets every Tuesday morning. She enjoys playing with the kids and I enjoy the fellowship of other moms. Oh, and we joined a homeschool group that we can sign up for varying activities throughout the month. On top of that we will soon have speech therapy and are setting up occupational and physical therapy too. She's really improved in the few weeks I've been working with her.
I never posted the previous two paragraphs so I'm going to continue with my post today following. 10/21/06
I find myself really overwhelmed lately. There is so much that needs and requires my attention. My mind is constantly at wonder as to how other families manage. I know other people have it as hard or harder than we do and they do it well. My expectations have been altered. I don't expect perfection. Well, is all I want or desire. What does "well" mean? O.K., so I looked it up and it could easily be just a baby step from perfection. LOL! Interesting. I guess my expectations haven't been altered as much as I thought they had. So, expectations. What are my expectations? I think I just want right and good. Is that too much? Something for me to continue to ponder. At any rate, I am overwhelmed and I really need to do something about it.
Besides being overwhelmed I am feeling tremendously guilty. For all of Hannah's 5 yr old life I have worked like a dog to give her everything she needed. Somehow it hasn't been enough. I'm frustrated and maybe a little angry that I just cant' seem to get things right. I focused on her health. Researched epilepsy, prematurity, and any number of other health concerns we have had with her. The first 3 1/2 years were totally focused on her health. Development took a backseat and now because I wasn't able to focus on both or balance both health and development we are in for some really intensive therapies. Just when I thought we might get a break. How do other people do it? Why did I miss this? How did I miss it? Did I choose to ignore it because I knew it was something I just couldn't do "right"? So many questions. This is her life. I need to get it right.
I can't live in guilt though. Guilt and blame keep a person stuck. They are unable to move when they are stooped in it. I refuse to not be moving. I cant' stop moving.
The only thing I know to do when things get this way is to stop, regroup, and have a meeting with my best friend. "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears......This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." psalms 34: 4 & 6.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Speaking of last night, we had an artist way reunion. The ladies from my second group met. It was alot of fun and I was so excited to see everyone. I love hearing about everyone's lives, family, and interests. I was a little sad when I left because I realized that was probably the last time I'd see any of them. The only bummer I found to attending groups is that when they are over people lose touch.
Life has been so hectic lately. I took on schooling Hannah. I just couldn't be satisfied with our options for her and well, I'm hoping I can cater to her learning style and needs more easily. We did join a MOPS group that meets every Tuesday morning. She enjoys playing with the kids and I enjoy the fellowship of other moms. Oh, and we joined a homeschool group that we can sign up for varying activities throughout the month. On top of that we will soon have speech therapy and are setting up occupational and physical therapy too. She's really improved in the few weeks I've been working with her.
I never posted the previous two paragraphs so I'm going to continue with my post today following. 10/21/06
I find myself really overwhelmed lately. There is so much that needs and requires my attention. My mind is constantly at wonder as to how other families manage. I know other people have it as hard or harder than we do and they do it well. My expectations have been altered. I don't expect perfection. Well, is all I want or desire. What does "well" mean? O.K., so I looked it up and it could easily be just a baby step from perfection. LOL! Interesting. I guess my expectations haven't been altered as much as I thought they had. So, expectations. What are my expectations? I think I just want right and good. Is that too much? Something for me to continue to ponder. At any rate, I am overwhelmed and I really need to do something about it.
Besides being overwhelmed I am feeling tremendously guilty. For all of Hannah's 5 yr old life I have worked like a dog to give her everything she needed. Somehow it hasn't been enough. I'm frustrated and maybe a little angry that I just cant' seem to get things right. I focused on her health. Researched epilepsy, prematurity, and any number of other health concerns we have had with her. The first 3 1/2 years were totally focused on her health. Development took a backseat and now because I wasn't able to focus on both or balance both health and development we are in for some really intensive therapies. Just when I thought we might get a break. How do other people do it? Why did I miss this? How did I miss it? Did I choose to ignore it because I knew it was something I just couldn't do "right"? So many questions. This is her life. I need to get it right.
I can't live in guilt though. Guilt and blame keep a person stuck. They are unable to move when they are stooped in it. I refuse to not be moving. I cant' stop moving.
The only thing I know to do when things get this way is to stop, regroup, and have a meeting with my best friend. "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears......This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." psalms 34: 4 & 6.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Cure for Fear?
Fear. What a tiny word for such a HUGE emotion. Fear is capable of so many things. It can drive a person or it can freeze them. Fear can aid a person in their quest for success or it can be the very thing that leads to their failure. A single four letter word. Wow!
Recently I experienced the stifling kind of fear. The fear that stops you dead in your tracks. I am a part of a group called "The Artist Way". We're just a group of ladies from all walks of life that have gotten together and are discovering things about ourselves or resurrecting life enhancing things that have been long buried. Our manual is a book by Julia Cameron called "The Artist's Way; A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity". Awesome writing and instruction. I give it a huge thumbs up. Anyway, during one of our weekly meetings I sort of blurted out my desire to write. I received lots of affirmation from the group. No negativity sent my way at all. What happens though? You guessed it. I all of a sudden could not write. I would pick up my pen and nothing. I would sit down to type and nothing. It was so heart breaking for me because writing has always been my "outlet". You know those little voices we all have, well, they were talking non stop. "Look what you did. You said you wanted to write and you can't. You told them and now people are going to expect you to write." It was a lot more brutal than that but I am toning it down in case someone does actually read this. LOL! It was so bad that I swore off writing. I quit writing morning pages. I quit journaling and I didn't' work on any of my stuff. I found myself soon depressed. Just the other day I picked up my "Artist Way" book and thumbed through it. Julia speaks of synchronicity in her book and well, I think I may have experienced a bit of it that day. My thumbs landed on Week 9 "Recovering a Sense of Compassion". What's the first section labeled? "Fear". Julia says this, "Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all. There is only one cure for fear. The cure is love...Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice..." She says a lot more than that about it but you'll have to get the book and check it out. Anyway, so, I'm afraid. That's why I'm not writing. I'm not stupid, incompetent, or dreaming. I'm just scared.
So, the cure is Love. Seems I've heard that message before. "Perfect Love Casts out Fear" I've wrote here before about my "theory" concerning "perfect love". What if to make love perfect you have to allow yourself to love yourself. You know, do what is good for you. Take care of yourself. Be nice to YOU. How many of us are nice to ourselves? I don't know about you but I often take a mental verbal beating on an almost daily basis. If I were to say to another person the things I say to myself I wouldn't have many friends and I'd probably lose my family. What gives us the right to berate ourselves like that? The Bible does mention loving your neighbor as yourself doesn't it? Well, I feel sorry for my neighbor if he's getting the kind of love I throw my way.
I want different. I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't know how you change your thinking where yourself is concerned. How do you take a lifetime of relating and reacting to yourself and change that? I'm going to try to find out though. And I'll probably write more about it on another day. Wish me luck.
God Bless!
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Recently I experienced the stifling kind of fear. The fear that stops you dead in your tracks. I am a part of a group called "The Artist Way". We're just a group of ladies from all walks of life that have gotten together and are discovering things about ourselves or resurrecting life enhancing things that have been long buried. Our manual is a book by Julia Cameron called "The Artist's Way; A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity". Awesome writing and instruction. I give it a huge thumbs up. Anyway, during one of our weekly meetings I sort of blurted out my desire to write. I received lots of affirmation from the group. No negativity sent my way at all. What happens though? You guessed it. I all of a sudden could not write. I would pick up my pen and nothing. I would sit down to type and nothing. It was so heart breaking for me because writing has always been my "outlet". You know those little voices we all have, well, they were talking non stop. "Look what you did. You said you wanted to write and you can't. You told them and now people are going to expect you to write." It was a lot more brutal than that but I am toning it down in case someone does actually read this. LOL! It was so bad that I swore off writing. I quit writing morning pages. I quit journaling and I didn't' work on any of my stuff. I found myself soon depressed. Just the other day I picked up my "Artist Way" book and thumbed through it. Julia speaks of synchronicity in her book and well, I think I may have experienced a bit of it that day. My thumbs landed on Week 9 "Recovering a Sense of Compassion". What's the first section labeled? "Fear". Julia says this, "Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all. There is only one cure for fear. The cure is love...Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice..." She says a lot more than that about it but you'll have to get the book and check it out. Anyway, so, I'm afraid. That's why I'm not writing. I'm not stupid, incompetent, or dreaming. I'm just scared.
So, the cure is Love. Seems I've heard that message before. "Perfect Love Casts out Fear" I've wrote here before about my "theory" concerning "perfect love". What if to make love perfect you have to allow yourself to love yourself. You know, do what is good for you. Take care of yourself. Be nice to YOU. How many of us are nice to ourselves? I don't know about you but I often take a mental verbal beating on an almost daily basis. If I were to say to another person the things I say to myself I wouldn't have many friends and I'd probably lose my family. What gives us the right to berate ourselves like that? The Bible does mention loving your neighbor as yourself doesn't it? Well, I feel sorry for my neighbor if he's getting the kind of love I throw my way.
I want different. I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't know how you change your thinking where yourself is concerned. How do you take a lifetime of relating and reacting to yourself and change that? I'm going to try to find out though. And I'll probably write more about it on another day. Wish me luck.
God Bless!
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Time Flies
Wow! Last night I attended Kyle's last middle school band concert. In August he'll be a 9th grader. It's so hard to believe. He's such a handsome young man and smart too. The high school girls were hitting on him back stage. Oh man! Let me get my hands on them. LOL! Not really. I am confident that Kyle has great morals and will be a joy to his teachers and peers in the next 4 years. It seems like only yesterday he was talking to the elderly neighbors over the fence. (sigh) How Time flies????
Zachary is leaving his elementary life behind and will be in junior high come August. He also is growing up to be quite the young man. He's excited about athletics. This will be his first year to participate. I have a feeling the next couple of years will be quite interesting. He's went through 3 sizes of clothing this year alone. Seems like just yesterday he was pouring sugar on my kitchen floor and running his match box cars through it proclaiming, "it's 'nowing momma, it's 'nowing".
Then there's Hannah. She turns 5 next week. She has grown like a weed this past year. The little fragile girl has beaten the odds and become strong and well. She's beautiful and a mess. LOL! I'm going to try my hand at schooling her this year and I'm really looking forward to it. There's nothing more exciting then seeing little minds at work. Especially hers. I can't believe 5 years have past since she was in NICU with only a 50% chance of survival. It's exciting when I look back and see the fight she put up for life. She's an amazing little girl and I can't wait to see the woman she becomes.
Last night as I was driving home from the concert I saw the most beautiful sunset. I've never really thought about sunsets. So many writers focus on the sunrise. But with every sunrise there is a sunset. As I thought of all the sunsets in my children's life I was very thankful that I was there to witness the sunset of each experience as well as the rise. That is a miraculous gift. One to savor and treasure. If we only had sunrises we'd never know the joy of accomplishments. Think about it.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Zachary is leaving his elementary life behind and will be in junior high come August. He also is growing up to be quite the young man. He's excited about athletics. This will be his first year to participate. I have a feeling the next couple of years will be quite interesting. He's went through 3 sizes of clothing this year alone. Seems like just yesterday he was pouring sugar on my kitchen floor and running his match box cars through it proclaiming, "it's 'nowing momma, it's 'nowing".
Then there's Hannah. She turns 5 next week. She has grown like a weed this past year. The little fragile girl has beaten the odds and become strong and well. She's beautiful and a mess. LOL! I'm going to try my hand at schooling her this year and I'm really looking forward to it. There's nothing more exciting then seeing little minds at work. Especially hers. I can't believe 5 years have past since she was in NICU with only a 50% chance of survival. It's exciting when I look back and see the fight she put up for life. She's an amazing little girl and I can't wait to see the woman she becomes.
Last night as I was driving home from the concert I saw the most beautiful sunset. I've never really thought about sunsets. So many writers focus on the sunrise. But with every sunrise there is a sunset. As I thought of all the sunsets in my children's life I was very thankful that I was there to witness the sunset of each experience as well as the rise. That is a miraculous gift. One to savor and treasure. If we only had sunrises we'd never know the joy of accomplishments. Think about it.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Monday, May 08, 2006
Love and Fear
Wow, It's been that long since I posted on my blog? Shame on me. I haven't shared my blog with anyone just yet. Maybe soon. We'll see.
Live and Learn is still the undercurrent running in my life right now. It's both scary and exciting. I've got more "ideas" than I have time. If I can only figure out how to implement some of those "ideas" without making a total mess of things I would be one happy person.
Recently I came to realize how much fear is a part of my life. As I'm sure it's a big part of most peoples lives. In the Christian ranks we talk a lot about love and how it cast out fear. So, if we love ourselves, does that love cast out fear? I believe it does. If that love comes from Christ and I believe he wants us to care and love ourselves then that love will also cast out fear. I wonder if the lack of love for ourselves is the key reason most of us still have fear. We have love all around us. Our family, friends, pastors, teachers, spouses, and God himself love us and we still have fear. What if we add the love for ourselves and that makes it the "perfect" love? I am no theologian. These are just my ponderings. Anyway, I'm going to work on the "loving self" thing and see if it helps with my fears. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
Well, I should get busy around here. My quote for the day is from Eleanor Roosevelt, "It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan".
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Live and Learn is still the undercurrent running in my life right now. It's both scary and exciting. I've got more "ideas" than I have time. If I can only figure out how to implement some of those "ideas" without making a total mess of things I would be one happy person.
Recently I came to realize how much fear is a part of my life. As I'm sure it's a big part of most peoples lives. In the Christian ranks we talk a lot about love and how it cast out fear. So, if we love ourselves, does that love cast out fear? I believe it does. If that love comes from Christ and I believe he wants us to care and love ourselves then that love will also cast out fear. I wonder if the lack of love for ourselves is the key reason most of us still have fear. We have love all around us. Our family, friends, pastors, teachers, spouses, and God himself love us and we still have fear. What if we add the love for ourselves and that makes it the "perfect" love? I am no theologian. These are just my ponderings. Anyway, I'm going to work on the "loving self" thing and see if it helps with my fears. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
Well, I should get busy around here. My quote for the day is from Eleanor Roosevelt, "It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan".
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
It's been a while...
I haven't posted in quite some time. So much has been happening. The kids are growing and changing so quickly. Kyle had his first accident. He wrecked on his skateboard with no pads or helmet and chipped and cracked his elbow. He saw an orthopedic doctor today. Zachary has tried to go without his Concerta and already he's had detention everyday. He will start back on it this week. Hannah is doing about the same. She's a mess. She's got an upcoming surg. soon. David is working, helping at the church and going to school. As for me, well, I'm working at Mikasa part time still. I enjoy it for the most part.
The hurricanes lately have really motivated my thoughts. I think about all the people who have lost so much. How thankful I am for the things that I have. I also know from experience that when you're down the most is when you seem to see God's love unlike any other time. What a shame it is that it takes such tragedy for us to really see how much He cares for us. Why does it take such times as these for people to do what we've all been called of Christ to do? Love one another.
In the last week I have been privileged to meet and talk with many evacuees. Both of Katrina and Rita. It was so encouraging to hear the stories of what strangers have done for one another in these terribly trying times. Almost all have relayed their stories with teary eyes and a thankful heart. It's refreshing to see people helping each other. I can just imagine God smiling down and saying, "there you go. That's it children. that's the way." Oh what a proud pappa he must be.
I think that despite all the negative things being tossed our way about our leaders, we as a country still have a heart like no other. God still blesses the USA.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
The hurricanes lately have really motivated my thoughts. I think about all the people who have lost so much. How thankful I am for the things that I have. I also know from experience that when you're down the most is when you seem to see God's love unlike any other time. What a shame it is that it takes such tragedy for us to really see how much He cares for us. Why does it take such times as these for people to do what we've all been called of Christ to do? Love one another.
In the last week I have been privileged to meet and talk with many evacuees. Both of Katrina and Rita. It was so encouraging to hear the stories of what strangers have done for one another in these terribly trying times. Almost all have relayed their stories with teary eyes and a thankful heart. It's refreshing to see people helping each other. I can just imagine God smiling down and saying, "there you go. That's it children. that's the way." Oh what a proud pappa he must be.
I think that despite all the negative things being tossed our way about our leaders, we as a country still have a heart like no other. God still blesses the USA.
Living and Learning,
Marcey
Friday, July 22, 2005
Introduction
Wow, I did it. I started a blog. I have no clue what my intentions are really and what this will even turn into. Mostly just posting my thoughts and feelings.
My name is Marcey and I am 34 years old. I titled this blog "Live and Learn". Kind of clinche', I know, but so much about my life is learning to live and living to learn. I am a "knowledge" freak. I love school. Do not have a college education but if I was able, I'm sure I'd be one of those "professional" students. To this point all I've managed is a certification in medical office administration and transcription from a business school but it sure was fun getting it.
I also enjoy collecting items. One of my biggest is bags. Bags of any kind. Purses, book bags, cosmetic bags. A couple of other things I collect are teapots, tea cups, and porcelain dolls. I recently started in on Barbie dolls too.
If I were asked to describe myself, I think it would be accurate to say that I am shy, verbally challenged, but considerate and caring. I am friendly but reserved. I'm not a confident person but I admire confident people. I like people but am uncomfortable around them. I have room to grow that's for sure.
My family is very important to me. My boys are amazing young men and I thank God he gave them to me. My little angel girl is a miracle (that'll have to be another post) and she brings such light to my life. I have been very blessed.
My greatest struggle right now, well, there are many, but one that I am really worried about right now is that I am not healthy. I weigh too much. I don't know how it got this bad. I have got to lose some weight. A lot of weight... And finding the motivation to do it is really hard. There are just so many things that need my time and attention. (((sigh)))
My life is ever changing lately or maybe it's not really my life that has changed so much but the way I feel about my life. Here's where I say..."Good bye for now".
Living and Learning,
Marcey
My name is Marcey and I am 34 years old. I titled this blog "Live and Learn". Kind of clinche', I know, but so much about my life is learning to live and living to learn. I am a "knowledge" freak. I love school. Do not have a college education but if I was able, I'm sure I'd be one of those "professional" students. To this point all I've managed is a certification in medical office administration and transcription from a business school but it sure was fun getting it.
I also enjoy collecting items. One of my biggest is bags. Bags of any kind. Purses, book bags, cosmetic bags. A couple of other things I collect are teapots, tea cups, and porcelain dolls. I recently started in on Barbie dolls too.
If I were asked to describe myself, I think it would be accurate to say that I am shy, verbally challenged, but considerate and caring. I am friendly but reserved. I'm not a confident person but I admire confident people. I like people but am uncomfortable around them. I have room to grow that's for sure.
My family is very important to me. My boys are amazing young men and I thank God he gave them to me. My little angel girl is a miracle (that'll have to be another post) and she brings such light to my life. I have been very blessed.
My greatest struggle right now, well, there are many, but one that I am really worried about right now is that I am not healthy. I weigh too much. I don't know how it got this bad. I have got to lose some weight. A lot of weight... And finding the motivation to do it is really hard. There are just so many things that need my time and attention. (((sigh)))
My life is ever changing lately or maybe it's not really my life that has changed so much but the way I feel about my life. Here's where I say..."Good bye for now".
Living and Learning,
Marcey
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